"Women and gays have always been mean to me," says the young gay man. He recalls the reaction of his straight classmates to bullying to this day
To get you started, what do you want to say about yourself? What can I write to give you the level of anonymity you desire?
What can I say about myself... I always feel like I can't say anything when someone asks me that. I have a bit of a self-esteem problem, which I always realize at a moment like a team building event or right now.
If I take it kind of classically - like work, personal, and stuff like that, I'm employed in retail, I'm single, and I don't want to say my age completely, but let's say I'm in my early 30s. So I'm gay, too.
Are you single long term? You and I have known each other for about three years, and you haven't introduced me to anyone yet. Of course, that doesn't mean you haven't had anyone. We don't see each other that often...
I've been single for a long time. Actually, I've never been in a relationship.
This may sound a bit cheesy, and feel free to stop me, but are you alone in your belief that you want this, or has love eluded you so far, even though you'd like to experience it?
It's the latter. I'm at the stage now where I don't think I care. I'm not even looking for anyone anymore and I don't want to get burned, so it's voluntary. But I wanted to find someone before.
Why do you think it never worked out for you? Like, did you like anyone?
Of course I did. But I'm just the shy type. I don't see much reason why anyone would want to be with me. And if I don't trust myself, then I don't go for it. I don't know how to approach someone or hit on them. And no one's ever hit on me, so I guess I'm not that out of touch when I say I'm not interesting to gay men.
Why do you think that about yourself?
I don't exactly look like a model. You can see that. I've always been very thin, and I can't put on weight. And I'm not really a gym person, either, I don't feel like it. And I didn't finish college, I don't have much money, I just live a normal life. I have an income, of course, but I just work in a clothing store, so I can't expect hundreds of thousands or millions...
Lots of people work in similar positions, don't have a college degree and are happy, content and in love. Don't you think it's more in your head? That you doubt yourself too much?
I've had low self-esteem since I was a kid. In high school, I remember I had a crush on a classmate. That's when I let him know. And he laughed at me so hard. I figured if he was gay, he'd have boundaries. Like, even if he doesn't want me, he's not gonna give me a total hard-on because he knows what it's like to come out.
But was that a big mistake?
Huge! He laughed at me for the rest of high school. He really bullied me. That he would never even go out with a guy like me, let alone touch me. How he hates me for being a loser, a creep...
That sure wasn't easy to take...
You're at a sensitive age in high school. Especially when you're showing up. At home, my mom accepts who I am, but my dad still has a problem with it, even if he doesn't say it out loud. And I felt it a lot back then. Plus, there was practically bullying at school...
Was it the boy you liked who bullied you or someone else?
A lot of people at a time. They joined him. He was very open and charismatic. And I have to say, it doesn't work like in the movies, where the popular classmate ends up on the bottom. I'm at the bottom. He's got a college degree in economics and he works in a bank somewhere. He's got pictures of himself in suits everywhere now, looking like he's eating up the wisdom of the world. Every time it comes up on my networks, I'd like to write to him and tell him not to be believed!
Why don't you have him blocked if it hurts you so much to see him?
I don't know, actually. It's such a weird addiction. Every now and then I just look at his profile. I hate him, but there's something about him I wish I could be. At least not be afraid of people, go for it, have determination...
Is that what you feel you've lost at school?
I've always been a bit of a waverer, but school hurt me enough, well. If it wasn't for a few friends I had there, I wouldn't have survived.
You mean in class?
Yeah, in class. Actually, ironically, it was the guys who stood up for me then, the straight guys. Not the girls. I was bullied by a gay guy, and girls would join him and be so mean. But the boys weren't, with a few exceptions. So I was in a class where the girls outnumbered the guys. I was glad there were at least a few boys. They helped me survive.
Are you still friends today?
It's died down over time, but even though we don't talk anymore, I'm still grateful and I still love them. If it wasn't for them, I really don't know. They were really good friends. They took me out with them, they took me on the team at the gym, even though they knew I wasn't going to be much help, they didn't let me down. I don't think gays can do that. All I've ever been through is humiliation.
Have you experienced anything other than bullying in high school?
Like when I tried dating. I was always getting insulted, looked down on. Nobody wanted to go out with me because they always had something on me. They even made fun of me. Someone kept asking me for new pictures and deciding if I was even worth going out with. They kept me waiting or someone even left saying they were going to the bathroom at a restaurant and never came back. A lot of them, without asking, immediately started pushing their diets and exercise techniques on me and telling me how to change. They pointed out my flaws and made it clear that they were taking better care of themselves. Going on dates with gay men is terrible!
Straight people never treated you like that?
No. No, I haven't. Never. I can say that, apart from a few drunks or something, I've never had a straight guy say anything nasty to me. Even at work I have a colleague who's totally normal and he's my mate. I don't have much to say to my female colleagues. I think female friendship and some sort of "gay community" is overrated. I've always found women and gays to be sneaky. Straight guys don't do shit and have normal fun. That's what gay men should take from them. Be a little normal and chill.
