A break-up that hurts even years later: 'I believed it wasn't his fault,' shrugs the woman who only felt betrayed years after the relationship ended
To explain the perex with which I started the article: What struck you most about your breakup was that you probably didn't get all the essential information. You don't understand what happened and even though you were with your ex-boyfriend for good, time has changed that. Why is that?
Our breakup was amicable because we both knew we had no chance of moving on. I believed that for the next almost three years that we were friends, and I also supported him in finding a new love. But then he found her, and I couldn't stop wondering. I was terribly hurt by who he accepted into his destiny as the "love of his life".
Before we get to the contradiction that we haven't uncovered yet - it seems to me that you believe a lot in fate. Do you think your current situation was meant to be?
You're right, that's a big theme of mine and I guess it shows at first. I'm a believer that fate simply exists. We have something written in the book of life that we don't know in advance. However, the reactions are up to us. So in the end, the end of the story may be entirely in our hands, if that makes sense. I mean, I think fate puts some obstacles and opportunities in our way on purpose. They're meant for us. But how we deal with them and what comes out of it is up to us.
And for the second part of the question, I think this was a terribly mishandled test by my ex-boyfriend.
Did he hurt you?
Very much. I really loved him, and I only gave him up because I thought there was no way out for us.
Why did you think there was no way?
My ex-boyfriend was the perfect partner. He really was. In the beginning. But then I could see he was getting unhappier and unhappier, and eventually he fell out of love with men. He was sorry. He even cried and apologized to me. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he blamed himself. That we were like Freddie Mercury and his Mary. I took it because it's not his fault. I cried too, but I told him I wished him luck. And I really wished he'd find a man who'd be good to him and they'd be happy.
You broke up and became friends. That's nice. However, I know it's not so nice anymore...
The thing is, he's supposedly in love with a mutual friend of ours. I've never had much to say to her, and I don't even like her that much. But that's beside the point. The point is, she's a woman. And he wants to marry her.
When he told you that, how did you react?
I thought he was joking. I knew they'd started spending a lot of time together, but I didn't mind. Why couldn't he have any other friends than me? Anyway, now he's come to tell me that he's found the love of his life and he wants to marry her. I was devastated.
Don't you wish him luck?
That's not the point. The point is, I don't get it. If we couldn't be together just because I'm a woman, but otherwise everything was supposedly perfect on my part, how is it possible that suddenly another woman can give him what he's been missing? It doesn't make sense. I think - just as I wrote in my messages to you - that I have a right to have someone explain this to me. Obviously I didn't get all the information, and all the time I was trying to come to terms with the fact that the love of my life is into guys, I guess I was lied to.
I wonder if your ex isn't simply bisexual...
I don't care what he is. His excuse that we're breaking up because I'm a woman just doesn't apply. I gave in to him on everything back then. I left him everything he wanted after the breakup, helped him find a new apartment and a psychologist. And I counseled him into new relationships, I dealt with his anxieties, I picked up the phone at 2am and listened when he needed to talk, I did everything... I believed it wasn't his fault and I wanted to be supportive.
I feel like you're being taken advantage of. Do you feel abused?
Exactly, that's the word!
Have you talked about it? It seems to me that you were very good friends, that you really supported each other in everything for a while. All of a sudden, the communication's broken down?
He hasn't been able to tell me anything to explain it. He shrugs his shoulders, repeats that it's not his fault and that he didn't plan it.
Forgive me for asking a direct question, but are you sure he didn't just make excuses when we broke up? It's an ugly assumption, of course, and I hope that's not the case. Just to mention and possibly disprove that possibility for the reader...
I know, because he was with several men for a while. I took it in stride because that's just the way it was. I felt like I couldn't change it and I couldn't be mad at him. I was even there when he told his family he was into boys...
Were you there for his coming out? His family or yours?
His family. It was pretty dramatic. I was and am very close to his family. I even had to stand up for him because his parents were angry at him for ending our relationship. It was pretty heated, and I was there to stand up for him the whole time. I continued to see his mom and sister after that and I always tried to intercede for him. Silly me, I also convinced his mom to trust him more and lend him money to start his business. And he still hasn't started a business, but he happens to have a newly furnished apartment with his new girlfriend. I'm sick of it...
I'm so sorry. Is there a silver lining to this whole story? Or, unfortunately, no?
I'm trying to look for the good. I have a new friend, for example. A guy my ex dated for a few months. The three of us even went on a trip to London together last year. He's really nice. He loved him, too, and he was also very upset about the breakup. Unlike me, he's more accepting of the fact that our ex is bisexual. He doesn't care who he's with, he's just sorry they're not together. I just can't stomach it. Not in a situation where I believed our only problem was that I was a woman.
I'm so sorry for your suffering. I always try to look for explanations that don't come from malice or outright lies and wonder if your ex-partner is just not looking just yet. Maybe he wasn't clear himself at the time you broke up. He just felt he liked men and attributed your relationship discord to that...
Maybe...
Now you're obviously really hurting from the loss of a friend and a friend in one person. I'm so sorry...
You and I will never be friends again. I feel betrayed on so many levels, I can't even explain it. I hope he's happy, but I'm not gonna help him anymore.
