"I decided to be straight," says the gay man, who says his orientation is a curse that prevents him from living the way he wants to
Coming out is quite a sensitive process for LGBT people, but it usually results in a feeling of "liberation". Was it like that for you?
I would say that I came to the opposite state. Sure, I was aware in my teens that I probably wouldn't have the sexual preferences that most people have. But along with that, I gradually began to realize the implications. So since I realized I was gay - and eventually introduced my loved ones to it - I don't want to be.
What consequences did you realise?
First of all, I'm uncomfortable suddenly finding myself in a category that inherently limits what I can and can't do and what my rights are. It's certainly great to proudly proclaim to the world "here I am, I'm gay", but at the same time, it's like a bucket of manure has been dumped on one's head that one can't get out of. Sure, I am attracted to men and I would consider it natural to live with a man, but it also completely disqualifies me from a whole range of other, in my opinion, also "natural" activities.
What do you consider "natural activities"?
I think there are certain milestones in every human life - for me it's getting married and starting a family. For the hetero population, these are a perfectly natural part of life. Heterosexuals fall in love, have children... then maybe even get divorced (laughs), but basically they can do whatever they want and desire at will. Without any barriers. Now imagine me as a gay man marrying my boyfriend and having a child together... While in the first case we'll have to go to God knows where for a traditional wedding and nobody will recognize the marriage anyway, a child is just a "commodity" that I can hardly save up for.
So the reason you would like to be heterosexual too is because of the social or legal inequalities that LGBT people still face?
On the one hand, yes, specifically allowing marriage is really just a matter of current laws. But then there's the issue of the children. I love children and would like to have my own. And let's face it, it's not going to take much for two guys to have a child together. What is sometimes even a problem for straight people, and so they try to prevent conception, is something completely unattainable for us gay people. And all those complicated, expensive and variously risky processes regarding artificial insemination, surrogate mothers and the like, that's just insane...
I understand the causes of your frustration, but I can't think of any effective solution...
I'm just gonna be straight! (laughs)
As far as I know, sexual orientation is definitely not something that can be changed... (laughs)
Well, of course I'm not going to go somewhere abroad to delve into the mysteries of bizarre conversion therapy. (laughs) On the other hand, I'm pretty tired of gay life. I'm tired of finding partners, of seeing how many other gay men function and what values they hold. I don't like one-night stands, I don't like the superficiality that comes with them, and I'm tired of not really having any positive prospects for the future.
So what's your solution, if you have one?
I'm sure many people would like to send me to burning hell for saying what I'm about to say. But while I'm really not ashamed of being gay, I also really want to have a conventional family and live a normal family life. So normal and classic that on the one hand I want the way of establishing this family to be comfortable for me, and on the other hand I want the child to live a comfortable life in a classic family, that is, with a dad and a mom. Just like I grew up with my mom, dad and brother.
So you plan to find a woman, start a family with her and keep your orientation a secret?
No, I don't want to hide anything from anyone, I wouldn't be able to look at myself. But I would like to find a wife - one who doesn't mind that I'm gay and is willing to live with me. I can certainly promise her that I will behave like an exemplary man, husband and father. I don't want to create any models of any alternative cohabitation where, for example, a gay man and a lesbian live together.
But if you are gay, can sex with a woman satisfy you?
Do you know how many people in the past and even today live completely without sex? (laughs) I am capable of the act as such with a woman, what it gives me or doesn't give me is another thing. But in the end the satisfaction is not unconditional even with gay sex. For me, the desire to have a family definitely comes first, which I consider more important than my own sexual satisfaction. So I will do everything I can to make my eventual partner happy, my - sexual - needs I am determined to put on the back burner. Because my main need is that family.
