"I am expecting God's punishment any day now," says the young man, who was condemned by his family. "Even the weather is not a safe subject for us," he adds
You wrote to me that you feel alone in the world. But you live in your parents' house. How exactly am I supposed to understand that? Is it more of an inner loneliness?
I just want to make it clear that I don't live with my parents. We have a two-generation house. When my grandmother died, my parents refused to rent part of it to anyone else. We share a garden, there's a lot of memories... It just wasn't an option. So I live there. And I normally pay for everything. That's the first thing.
As for the loneliness, yes, I feel like I'm alone because I'm not able to communicate with my parents on any level at the moment. And I'm also very limited in who and when I see outside of my family.
Now, if I break this down into two parts, I'll start by asking, what does it mean that you're limited in who you see and when you see them?
I've made some mistakes in the past. There have been plenty, I admit that. But this is financial decisions we're talking about, not crimes or anything like that. I was just young and stupid, to sum it up. I'm still paying off those decisions to this day. Since my parents gave me the money to pay for it, I'm paying them back. To be able to pay it all off, I have two part-time jobs, both in Prague, and I commute. So there's not much time. And at the same time, my parents really keep a close eye on who shows up.
What do you mean they limit your visits? You're an adult...
I'm an adult, but unfortunately there's the problem that the house is theirs. My mom has a key to my floor, and everybody comes and goes as they please. Realistically, they have a perfect view and they don't want people they don't like coming over. And that's most of the people I want to see.
That must be extremely challenging. How does that communication work? Doesn't it get so bad that it smacks of an emotional outburst?
It's always blowing up here. The problem is I can't move out. I can't afford it right now. I don't want my visitors getting into conflicts with my parents, I'm embarrassed, so I'm backing off. There's nothing else I can do.
I guess that brings us to the second part of my question. How did this happen? Have you always had difficult relationships?
Our family's all broken. My brother doesn't communicate with us at all. Or me. He lives in Germany, and when he comes, he barely says hello to me. It bothers him that I'm living in my grandmother's apartment when he "got nothing". But I didn't get anything either. I'm just living there temporarily and I normally pay utilities and everything. It's not my place. Nobody signed it over to me.
And as far as my parents are concerned? How's your normal communication going?
It's been shitty there since I was in high school. When I was 16, I told them I was into boys. And that was fire on the roof. My parents are religious. Not that they go to church every Sunday, but as kids they taught us some bedtime prayers and stuff. There's a picture from the Vatican with the Pope hanging over the kitchen door and everything good that happens is attributed to God. Well, if something goes wrong, it's a punishment according to my parents - mostly because of me.
Do your parents tell you that bad events are punishment for the way you behave?
Simply put, yes. Like my dad's heart is bad because of the way I torment him. When my car broke down and I couldn't get to work, he said it was a sign that I was too wasteful and should take the train. When my window crunched in a storm last year because of a cherry tree branch, it was immediately a sign from God because it was my window and God was angry with me because of the storm. If I disagree with them on something, I immediately have it on the table that they will turn against me and to wait and see what comes. It goes on and on. It doesn't even make sense.
Even a storm in your house is considered a consequence of your actions?
Not just my actions, but the fact that I'm here at all. When we sit down at the table at night, the weather is not a safe topic. My parents always find a reason to criticize me. I'm literally doing nothing anymore. I just drive to work. And then I watch Netflix at night. I don't have a boyfriend, I'm at a bar once in a while, and secretly. I don't know how to avoid these arguments anymore.
Are my parents primarily superstitious or religious?
Probably both. I don't see much difference.
Did they lead you to faith, too?
When I was a kid, I had to say my bedtime prayers. I didn't even understand them, I'd mumble them like a poem, and I believe my brother feels the same way, even though he now pretends to have eaten all the wisdom. When I told my parents I was into boys, they took me to the priest at church. That was terribly humiliating. I didn't want to talk to him. We never went to church regularly and suddenly they were making me go every minute. The more they pushed me to do it, the more I hated it.
Do you believe in God?
I used to. As a kid, you believe your parents when they tell you something as fact. I was told that God was watching us directly. So I tried to be good. I used to say those stupid little prayers when no one was listening because I got used to having to do it at night. I was afraid of what would happen if I skipped.
Don't you believe that now?
I don't know now, but I do know that if there is a God and he behaves the way my parents say he does, I don't want to acknowledge him. Obviously I'm not his favorite, so why should I be his fan?
You say that rather angrily and perhaps a little sarcastically... Is this a very touchy subject for you?
When you grow up as a kid thinking that God sees everything and punishes bad people - in short - and then you learn that he's going to punish you even though you didn't do anything... I took that as a big betrayal. I'm gay, not a murderer.
So you'd even acknowledge the existence of God, but do you perceive God differently now?
I'm very much on the fence on this one, and I haven't really thought it through and worked it out myself. I don't know what to think. Anyway, I'm expecting God's punishment at any moment! (laughs)
You laugh, but you don't seem really amused... Is there a lot of pain in this "joke"?
To our people, I'm simply lost and incompetent. A son who can't even take care of himself. At twenty-five I don't have my own place to live, I don't have a full-time job as the older generation is used to, I don't have a girlfriend - which is a problem for me on multiple levels. I have debt... I'm just a lost cause. I can see it in them and they make it very clear to me.
Yes, they got me out of debt that day and let me live in the house, but that's why they think they have more right to criticize me. No one at all respects me at home. I'm constantly hearing more and more reasons why I shouldn't be gay and why I should be completely different than I am. They dig at me and they don't leave me alone. They think it will change me, that it will make me realize that I'm actually gay, and yet incapable of not wanting to be. I really don't know what they think they're going to achieve, but it makes me desperate. I don't know how to talk to them when we can't even talk for twenty minutes about how sunny it is today and then go our separate ways. I just can't do it.
Is the biggest problem financially? Or is it more about your sexual orientation?
It's all wrong, but the finances can be fixed. It's not gonna change the fact that I'm into guys.
