Family drama: "My parents call my partner my roommate or my friend. They reject a grandchild with his genes."
The interview was conducted under an agreement not to disclose names or job titles. The respondent has a specific occupation that would easily identify him/her. However, we can state that it is a creative and analytical activity and that it has climbed quite high on the popularity ladder over the last three years. Thus, his income is also sufficient for him and his partner to have a child.
Speaking of money and a child, is this a more talked about topic among gay men? Or this way - let's start by asking how do you plan to bring a child into the family?
In the Czech Republic, as you probably know, we can't have children. We can't legally adopt them. We can't help someone who grows up in institutional care. It's ridiculous, but it's true. Apparently our lawmakers think it's better for a child to have several paid aunts than two loving dads, but that would be a long debate. The most we can do is make a deal with someone and have the child with a woman who will agree to the terms, but that's a risk that she'll change her mind or want to interfere with parenting, and we don't want that.
My partner and I have come to the conclusion that it would be easiest for us to go down the surrogate abroad route.
Which brings us to the finances. For you, to put it really stupidly and materialistically, having a child is much more expensive, isn't it?
Much. My partner and I had calculated that we wanted to save up a million crowns purely for the process itself, so that we knew we could cover everything and not get into some kind of difficult situation. We've managed to do that now, so we're starting to tackle the process of "setting up" our baby. It starts with the paperwork, but we're still excited. It's a big dream for us and we can't wait.
You mentioned to me that your parents aren't too excited about the planned family expansion... Why?
That's the worst part. When you're looking forward to having a baby, you want to tell your grandparents that they're having a grandchild and you want them to be excited with you. But my parents still haven't accepted my partner. We've been together as a couple in the same apartment for five years. Five years! Before that, we were also dating for a while and we're now registered partners - I prefer to say "married", but to be precise. And yet my parents don't take it as a done deal.
What do relationships look like? How would you describe a normal family reunion?
Nonexistent. The parents don't want to see their son-in-law.
You don't see each other at all?
The problem is, my family just keeps treating my partner like some kind of intruder. When they talk about him in front of others, they call him my friend or my roommate. They're ashamed that I live with a man. Even when they call me, they sometimes ask in such a sarcastic tone if "my friend is listening to us".
This must be extremely uncomfortable and actually humiliating for your partner, if he is really listening at that moment...
He's not taking my parents at all. He used to try to please them, but after being rejected so many times, he doesn't give it a chance anymore. I'm not surprised, but I'm sorry. I'm still somewhere in between. Of course I'm on my partner's side, but at the same time I don't want to lose my family completely, so I feel like I'm in a constant war, taking hits from both sides.
My partner doesn't even want our child to see the grandparents.
And how do the future grandparents see it?
Children are taboo for them. They basically told me that it's my choice if I want to ruin my life by spending it with a guy and that it's weird and inappropriate, but it's my choice and my life nonetheless. But that I shouldn't bring a child into it. They fight a lot for not having a baby. If it's not natural, it's not meant to be.
At the same time they refuse to accept a child as their grandchild that will have my partner's genes. We have agreed that I will be home with the older child and my partner will be the biological father, and in a few years we will switch. My parents at that point see such a child as a stranger.
How do you feel about that?
Terribly badly. I won't lie to you, I've often wondered how to deal with this, I've wanted to break up with my parents forever and erase contact, then I've tried talking to them again, showing them some articles, reminding them that I'm a good person and can be a good dad. But nothing's working. The grandkids just became taboo. My parents refuse to communicate about it in any way. And when we do get around to it, they get really, really uptight. They have incredibly nasty arguments:
They think it's completely unnecessary to bring a child into the world "artificially" when there are enough people in the world. They think that if nature doesn't want it, we shouldn't break it. That I could use the money better - for example, for travel and "changing my life", and so on. Of course, we've also heard that our child will be poor, that he'll have a weird family, no female role model, no mother... That we're already robbing him of the chance to be normal and have a normal development. It's very hard to listen to. If you read it anonymously somewhere on the internet, it's still okay, but from your own family, it's a blow.
Is the parents' opinion important to you in the decision-making process? Do you somehow tailor your life and choices to what they would want?
I've tried, and for a long time. In the end, it resulted in me not telling them anything about myself for a long time. They didn't know my partner and I had moved in for, like, six months. I often kept quiet. I just wanted to be quiet. It's not the best strategy, I admit, but I didn't know how to handle it better.
Now you know how to handle it better?
Not at all. It's killing me. But at least I know what kind of parent I don't want to be. When my daughter or my son comes up with something that I don't agree with, I'm going to try to listen to him and look at it through his eyes. I don't want to judge my child, make him feel inferior for the way he is.
