Psychologist Lucie Thomas: it is perfectly normal to be of a different orientation! You never owe anyone an explanation for the way you are
Lucie Thomas, psychologist and coach of Czech-American education, answers questions about coming out. "If you have a non-heterosexual orientation, there is nothing wrong with you. If this period is difficult for you, one day it will pass and you will be happy again," says Lucie, adding that no one ever owes it to their surroundings to explain or defend their orientation, it is purely our business. Moreover, she adds that if we keep negative emotions bottled up inside, they will poison us from the inside and can damage our psyche. So how to do it?
When does one come to the realization that one is sexually different? Is it most often at the time when we first form relationships? Puberty?
One may find out as early as seven years old, or not fully realize it until one is forty. But yes, first experiences and relationships are usually rich in clues that then pull us in a direction. If we're not sure how we're doing, it's good not to be unnecessarily categorical and let things flow. Time and further experience will clarify things for us.
So when he realizes he's differently oriented. What next? Who should one go to first and tell him?
I wouldn't rush to tell anyone right away. After all, it's an intimate subject and inherently none of other people's business. But if one feels the desire and need to confide, then I would start with friends I trust and who seem reasonable and level-headed. If I take away a positive experience, I can go ahead and confide in my family. If you don't have good friends or don't believe that such interactions could work out well, talk to a professional first, either in counselling or perhaps on a phone line.
Are there also situations where a person cannot accept that they are differently oriented and struggle with themselves?
Definitely. There are many examples of heterosexual relationships working all around us, yet most of us sometimes flounder in them. What about homosexual relationships? There we may have even more question marks that scare us a little. Next, one of the biggest fears people have is the fear of rejection. We are afraid of being accepted by those around us, of being judged by those close to us. These are very natural and common fears, and unfortunately, sometimes justified.
Can't one get depressed or similar problems?
He can get into temporary depression and anxiety. If someone reacts to our orientation with judgment, let us always remember that it says absolutely nothing about us and our quality and worth. It always only indicates that the person is emotionally immature.
How do we get out of this?
If we are really scared of coming out, or have come out but our experience has been negative, I recommend talking to gay friends about it, or resorting to a book, an online forum, a YouTube video and the comments below - to let you know that you are absolutely not alone and millions of people have had a similar experience. If this doesn't help, I definitely recommend seeing a professional, ideally a psychologist.
Many people think, especially the older generation of people, that homosexuality is a fabrication of our times. How do you explain that?
For example, they didn't grow up in a time or community where homosexuality was well tolerated. They are still holding on to that attitude, not evolving with the times, which is opening up previously taboo topics. Intergenerational differences have always been there, are there and will be there. Otherwise, if someone is a particularly vocal opponent of homosexuals, it may be because they are one themselves (whether they know it or not). But because he didn't want to admit it when he was younger for fear, he now hates them according to the "if I can't, you shouldn't either" logic. In fact, he envies the young for their openness, freedom and possibilities.
If a son/daughter announces that they are of a different orientation, how do parents usually approach it?
Basically, they can approach from a position of either acceptance or non-acceptance, and there is a wide range of options. I would advise children to prepare well for such a conversation. Define exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it, and prepare for the different kinds of reactions you can imagine from mom or dad. If the conversation doesn't go well in your opinion, it is NOT your fault. Again, it only indicates emotional immaturity on the part of the parent. Communicate your disappointment and immediately afterwards, or at most after a few days, tell them how you imagined it and what you wanted to hear. For example, "Mom, I'm sorry you said you didn't believe it and to think about it some more. I was rather hoping that you would say that it was okay and that you would love me anyway." The parent needs to hear that he or she has disappointed or hurt you with his or her reaction. Otherwise, you run the risk of these negative emotions bubbling up inside you, nagging you from the inside, and potentially damaging your psyche and relationship with your parent for a long time.
Sometimes maybe moms or dads suffer from never being grandparents. Could they be plagued by such thoughts as well?
It can bother them. But it is not good to force your children into parenthood or to blame them for their decision. For one thing, it would backfire on them anyway, and for another, they wouldn't be happy to be in that position themselves.
What is the right way for a parent to approach such a situation?
I definitely recommend responding from a position of acceptance and support. Further, if the parent has any doubts or questions, they can certainly vent them, but again from a position of acceptance of reality as communicated by the child. It is also good to reassure that this does not change the parent's love for the child in any way.
If parents have a problem with this and are unable to accept it - how should their son or daughter approach it? Should they seek professional help?
I gave such a mini guide in one of my previous answers. It is important to vent your frustrations and expectations for better development. If this is going nowhere, i.e. the parents are still unable to move on and we are suffering because of it, talking to a professional is definitely a good idea. It's only natural that we would want to talk to someone about it and reassurance that we are okay would help.
And where does one actually find such professional help?
I would seek it first from a psychologist or psychotherapist (beware, the latter doesn't have to have a psychology degree). Type your place of residence and the type of professional into a search engine, for example "psychologist Prague". Explore a few different sources and then make your decision based on the sympathy and reviews of the professional. Paid services tend to be higher quality and faster, but you can also find insurance specialists, you just might wait a long time. I have an article on my blog at www.kouc-praha.com with dozens of free mental health resources across the country and online.
Do you think a person who feels internally that they are gay can live a happy life as a heterosexual? Live a lie, but with family and children? Can one still be happy?
It can, and it certainly can. Most relationships go from lovers to friends after a while anyway, and it's okay that way. Our orientation doesn't matter so much after that. But of course, many people will suffer if they feel they haven't tried enough in life, haven't "enjoyed" enough, and the sexual aspect is missing. Then it's up to everyone to choose their priorities in life.
Is there any advice you would give to teenagers at this time in particular? In the getting-to-know-you period?
First and foremost - if you have a non-heterosexual orientation, you are fine. There's nothing wrong with you. If this period is hard for you, it will pass and you will be happy again. Second - if you are unsure of your orientation, that's okay too. You don't have to label yourself right away. Third - you don't owe anyone an explanation or defense of your orientation and sexuality, it's entirely your business. If you want to confide in your parents, prepare well for such a conversation by following the advice above. However, it will probably go well and you will be pleasantly surprised. And fourth - if anyone has a problem with your orientation, that's exactly it - THEIR problem. Not yours. You are fine. Live your life as best you can in spite of everything. That's all that really matters.
Lucie Thomas is a psychologist and coach with a Czech-American education. Since 2014 she has had her private practice in Prague 1, most often working with clients on partner and family relationships, single life and self-esteem. She is the author of the self-development book Wisdom for Girls. She most enjoys her work and travelling the world with her husband Cord.
