"Even straight people are more willing to romance: love is an awkward word among gays!" discovered a man looking for a long-term partner
How long have you lived alone?
It sounds terrible, but since the nineteen ninety-eight. (laughs) Of course I had some relationships in the meantime, I had someone staying with me quite often, but it wasn't their exclusive living. So I've been living on my own actually since I flew out of my parents' nest, which I like to go back to, but it's been a really long time since I've been home there.
That's bordering on a quarter of a century. How do you feel about this situation? Is it loneliness or independence? Negative or positive?
For me, it's a bit of both. When I was young, I was proud to be able to take care of myself. Plus, in my day, I don't think there were as many mommies as there are today. Maybe it's a housing crisis, maybe it's more of a parenting crisis, I don't know, but in my day I don't think it was quite normal to be home for dinner at eight o'clock when you were thirty and then go to sleep in the bed your parents bought you in high school because you'd outgrown your childhood mattress.
On the other hand, I'm very much alone, yes. I have friends, I enjoy life, I don't have kids, I don't have any obligations, so my money is mostly to maintain some standard that I try to meet and take good care of myself in terms of experiences and quality resources. However, sometimes I would be happy to skimp if I found something - or rather someone - I cared about enough to even love.
Would you like to have children?
So that's a very direct question, and a pretty painful one for me, but I understand why you're asking. Actually, I was kind of heading there, too. Yes, I wanted to have kids, but I'm starting to think it's just not in my destiny.
I come from three siblings - I'm the youngest and both my sisters have children of course. And one even has a grandchild already. Since we have a pretty good relationship in our family, at least that's how I get to hang out with the kids: I take them to the pool, we go squash with my nephew, and with my sister's grandchild I'm repeating the phase of rocking a baby in my arms and thinking I want my own. It's hard for me, but better than nothing.
When did your last relationship end? Or do you have one now?
I have what I would call a "better friend". We see each other, fulfill some needs, but certainly not all. Especially not the emotional ones. Or any desires for building and the future. He doesn't like to hear it. Maybe it's because he's younger than me and hasn't grown into it yet, or maybe he's just not into it in general. I don't know.
Why are you two together? Do you like each other so much that you overcome even these rather fundamental differences in desires?
I guess I'd call it reconciliation and some laziness to put yourself through the effort and humiliation again.
Exertion and humiliation? That sounds terrible... Where did you get these experiences?
I've had periods - and there may be some more to come - when I spent a lot of time on dating sites, even paying for those quick dates. I even got to the point where I was asking family members and friends for help and introductions to someone they thought might be a good match for me. But none of that got me what I wanted.
I mean, love, a solid partnership and planning that family together?
Yes, exactly. When I tell you that, I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of myself. These are normal adult desires...
Not exactly. It seems to me that love is an awkward word among gays. Those who have used it have often met with great disappointment. I get the impression that even straight people are more willing to be romantic than gay people.
What do you think it is?
Women. Really. Women are wonderful creatures, very inspiring and strong. I'm a little sorry I'm not attracted to them. Because women can bring out the best in a man. Men - at least the good ones -, try to respect their energy, and adapt to it, to have a chance with a woman, to make her happy. That doesn't work among gay men. We're still two guys, and the energies are sometimes confused. We approach each other - I would say - more egalitarian, less gallant and careful. It's more like we kind of heckle each other, motivate each other to behave a certain way, see where we can go... Maybe that's just my experience and others will disagree with me, and that's okay. However, it feels like it to me.
Have you tried talking to your partner about goal and lifestyle alignment? Can I call him a partner, or is it more like a loved one?
More like the latter. Partners are supposed to go through rough times together and be emotionally connected. I think we're more about the superficially nice, and that's where it ends.
I've tried to communicate, of course, but we've come to the conclusion that we have different things. And I can't break it. I can only wait to see if he changes or not.
Are you talking about love?
I confess I haven't dared. I've only once told a man I loved him. Twice, actually - once in high school. And both times it was a fiasco. I don't like to remember it, and I'm still ashamed in my soul.
Didn't they tell you the same thing?
No, they didn't.
Has any man ever told you he was in love with you?
Not that directly. I know I had a big crush on a man a long time ago, but there was no spark for me there. I tried not to hurt him, but whether I succeeded, I don't know. Anyway, I'm just not lucky for love, or I'm looking for it wrong. Maybe it's the timing - I don't know.
How long have you been seeing your current significant other?
It's been two years...
That's not exactly the beginning of a relationship...
It's not. But at the same time, I know, or rather I suspect, that he's seeing other people.
You don't do that?
No, I don't. It's true that sometimes I have a bout of downloading a dating site and texting someone. But I feel so guilty that I delete the app and leave it alone. I'm a lost cause. (laughs)
