"My parents don't accept gays. I'm happy to accommodate them and suppress myself and my identity. I'll even give up my boyfriend," says the young man of his troubles
Now you live in Pilsen with your parents, right?
Technically, yes. I'm graduating this year - there was some delay because I changed majors once in my freshman year and they didn't recognize my courses, so I had to start over. I'll be twenty-one in a month and I'm already counting the months until I'm done with school, get a job, and become independent.
Don't you get along with your parents?
Actually, we do. It's not like we're fighting. But I know they would disagree with the way things are.
So your parents don't know you're not straight?
They don't, and I don't think I'll ever tell them. In my family, it's generally not recognized as anything other than male and female. Our grandmother doesn't speak to my aunt because she's divorced - they find that wrong too. It's just very clear in our house what is and isn't allowed. Divorce, gay couples or even just living in a pile is wrong in our view.
Are you sure they'd condemn you?
Absolutely. Seeing as how they can argue with their aunt over a stupid divorce, which is a very common thing nowadays, and a healthy thing in my opinion at that: If I don't get along with someone, it's better to get a divorce than to go on worrying.
I'm their only son. They're already disappointed that I said I wasn't going to college. But they're okay with it because they see that I enjoy photography and I'm already making a little extra money just taking pictures. It's not enough to make a living yet, so I'll need a job too, but they trust me to improve in that at least. My dad promised me a very expensive lens and a portable, powerful light for my birthday.
I know you have a boyfriend. How long have you been together?
It's been less than a year now.
Is this your first relationship?
Longer-term, yes. I've tried dating girls before. But I've always had to force myself to do it - like, date, keep it up somehow. But my parents were happy, and the girls were nice. I like them. I just don't enjoy it, and I'm not as attracted to them as I'd like to be.
Were you intimate with them, too?
I know it sounds stupid, but yeah. It took me a while to fully admit to myself that I just couldn't break it. When I "had" my first girl at 16, I told myself that the reason it was bad in bed was because it was the first experience, so maybe we weren't quite there yet. And that maybe I'm not in love enough because I'm not experiencing it enough. It was just a fiasco. Yet ironically, as long as I pretended to be into girls, I had more people interested in sex than I do now as a gay man. (laughs)
Why is that?
I don't know, girls were always into me. I like talking to them, we get along. I enjoy shopping... I guess they just don't get bored with me. I've only had one guy, and he's my boyfriend. He made me understand why I wasn't so into those girls. It just wasn't the right thing, because it couldn't be.
You've been hiding from your partner's parents for almost a year. Are you gonna keep doing this forever?
It's complicated. My partner and I fight about it a lot, too. I just don't want to tell my parents because I know what it would do. But the fact is, he's right again, and maybe one day it'll come out and the truth will come out. I don't know. I don't even want to think about it.
I understand. And in the future, would you and your boyfriend like to live together?
I'd like to, and my partner has even offered to let me live with him, but I couldn't invite my parents over without them figuring it out. So I'd want to live alone first. It will be easier at least in that my partner and I will be able to visit each other without restriction. Right now, I always have to figure things out for my parents - where I am, where I'm going and with whom, why I'm not sleeping at home, etc. When I get my own place, I won't have that control.
Do you realistically see yourself introducing your partner to your parents, even if it's just as a loved one?
No. I don't think so. I'm 20 and my boyfriend is well into his 30s. I don't have any friends that old, my parents would probably be surprised. I think they'd have too many questions and find it weird. My partner is already sorted with himself - he works, has his own flat and also tends to say things very bluntly. If he met ours, I don't think he'd keep quiet. He'd tell my parents how things are, and maybe they'd have a fight because he doesn't like the idea my parents have dreamed up for me.
What's the idea?
Well, that one day I'd be a doctor or a lawyer - that's what my parents always said. And that I'd find a girl to marry after school and we'd have at least three kids. My parents only have me because they couldn't have another kid, so they want to make it up to the grandkids. That's what I've been hearing since I was a little kid: that I'm a wise kid and I'm going to have to give them grandkids soon so they can have a good time. They also bought a piece of land not far from here years ago, with the understanding that they'd give it to me as a wedding present when I got married so I'd have a place to build a house and not go into debt on the land anymore.
And you'd like a house?
Actually, I want to live in the city. Ideally in a new building. I don't want to worry about a garden. I don't even enjoy it at home.
Don't you think your parents would understand? After all, they've already accepted that you're not going to be a doctor or a lawyer. They let you take pictures, and they even encouraged you to do it...
That's true. But you know how it is - I shoot mostly girls. I'm just more into women's fashion. My dad always comments on the pictures and asks me which one I asked out. My mom shuts him up, but I can tell he thinks the same thing. It pisses them off that the last time I brought a girl home was about a year ago. What I'm going to do next, I have no idea... But rather than lose my parents, I'd honestly rather leave my partner, as much as it would hurt. And I'd just do what they want me to do and live up to what's expected of me.
