They love each other, they live together, but they sleep alone. Separate bedrooms have many advantages, they can even save a relationship
Even if you enjoy spending time with your partner, drinking your morning coffee and maybe even watching movies in the evening, sharing a bed is not necessarily an experience you want to "do" every day. Of course, there can be many reasons for this - from snoring, to a desire for your own space, to a different daily rhythm. These are also the most common reasons why many (otherwise happy) couples choose to sleep apart. While there are countless advantages to this arrangement, the big problem is how to get there in the first place. After all, it is not always the wish of both. And it's not easy to tell your partner that you want to fall asleep and get up alone...
Sleeping together (in the same bed) is "normal"
According to research conducted in both the US and Australia, up to 20% of people living in a shared household with a spouse sleep alone. And another 22% desire to do so but are afraid to disclose this fact to their partner. Although in many cases there are clear reasons for building two bedrooms, there are of course many who have no "compelling argument" for sleeping alone. Then people are simply more comfortable sleeping without a partner by their side than sharing a bed. So if you're worried about telling your partner that you want to sleep alone, therapists say you should try taking baby steps, i.e. suggesting separate sleeping arrangements on a trial basis, perhaps just a few days a week. It's quite likely that the other party will come around to the idea and eventually be happy to accept separate bedrooms after a while.
As relationship experts agree, separate bedrooms are becoming more and more common, and they don't necessarily signal that something is wrong with the relationship. "There's a societal expectation that if you're in a romantic relationship, you should sleep in the same bed. But for many couples this is definitely not the case," notes Alix Mellor, a researcher at Monash University's sleep lab. And so what can actually disrupt a relationship is "unwanted night-time behaviour" - indeed, many people who are afraid to tell their counterpart that they'd rather sleep alone try to deal with the situation in various not-so-comfortable ways - such as earplugs or eye masks (if their partner has a different circadian rhythm).
"When my partner and I met and he moved in with me, it seemed obvious that we would share a bedroom. But it soon became clear that this was absolutely unsustainable. I myself am terribly sensitive to all distracting noises, I usually say that even the digital clock in my bedroom bothers me (laughs). And my partner snores, but it's really inhuman, it's like a circus snoring. Plus the noises are irregular, so it's quiet for a while and then the night is cut through with crazy snoring (laughs). At first we tried all sorts of old wives' advice, I was munching - and I was absolutely soused to death -, my partner was trying to sleep on his side, we were grating soap next to him (laughs). I also tried earplugs, but that was completely futile. The snoring was thunderous, and in the morning, when I passed out from exhaustion, I couldn't hear the alarm clock...Finally, when I played my friend the sounds he made at night on my cell phone, we decided to make the study a second bedroom. So today, the biggest problem for us is the holiday. I usually have to sleep there during the day...," Vasek describes how he and his partner dealt with the situation.
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Poor quality sleep = relationship problems
While co-sleeping does not contribute to sleep quality in general (even when couples do not have to deal with specific difficulties), according to data collected by FitBit, sharing a bed simply has negative consequences for couples and the quality of their sleep. Unnecessary sleep disturbance due to the movements of the partner, but also visits to the toilet, etc. are to blame. According to Alix Mellor, poor quality sleep also leads to a decline in physical and mental health and partner dissatisfaction.
Partner counsellors also agree that a lack of energy is a much bigger threat to relationships and sex life than a lack of nightly sexual opportunities. People who get quality sleep (alone) are then much more rested and can actually experience a sense of longing for their partner at night as well - this not only refreshes the relationship, but the morning feels like a kind of fresh start.
"My husband is the classic lark, he gets up at the crack of dawn every day, regardless of whether he has to go to work or not. He woke me up every time and then I couldn't sleep. He, on the other hand, was annoyed that I went to bed later than him. One might have expected that after two years of living together we would both get used to it, but on the contrary it was getting on our nerves more and more. I was getting really allergic to him getting up in the morning. After a few arguments, we agreed that my husband would make his bed in the living room and if it suited us, we would get a sofa bed with a good quality mattress for regular sleeping. Quite a few friends are surprised that at our age - we are both slightly over thirty - we don't share a bedroom, but the separate sleeping arrangements have really been a liberation for us. Finally, we both get to sleep in and don't have to argue about who woke who up again," says Karolína, who is planning to build a house with her husband, and they both expect to have a bedroom to themselves.
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So, as Alix Mellor sums up, "we really need to normalise the fact that sometimes it really is better for couples to sleep separately, and it certainly doesn't mean that partners don't have a fulfilling relationship."
