"With bulimia it's like with alcoholism, I hide the vomiting and at the same time I continuously do nothing," says Peter. How to get out of it?
When did you develop bulimia?
It was when I was 15. I weighed 100 kilos at the time. On top of that, I had an unfortunate crush and realized that I was unwanted because I was fat. The easiest way to lose weight quickly was to put my fingers down my throat and throw up everything regularly. I saw it as the easiest way. I've never been very proactive, and I wasn't into sports. Of course, I did it in secret, and I still do it today. I'm ashamed of it, which is why only a few people close to me know. Because you don't always meet with understanding.
Even if you're doing it in secret, I think your entourage must know something... You've probably started to lose a lot of weight, haven't you?
Yes, I have. People around me had suspected something before, but they took it lightly and some made fun of it, so I was even more ashamed and didn't feel like dealing with it. However, I started to lose the extra pounds, which is why I kept coming back to vomiting. It wasn't that extreme at first, but I would go throw up regularly. When loneliness and some stress, for example from work, came along, it started to get worse. Eventually I got to such an extreme that the only food I could keep down all day was breakfast. Which is definitely not good. I was lacking energy, nutrients, etc.
You're 35 years old now, so bulimia has plagued you for more than half your life. When did the tipping point come and you said you had to start dealing with it?
It was about two years ago when I was binge eating, plus I was experiencing stress from work, plus I had minimal energy and nutrients because I couldn't keep any food down. By that time, I had already broken down mentally and physically. At the time, my supervisor at work asked me what was wrong with me. That's when I realized that I really had a problem, that I was hurting myself, and that I needed to start doing something about it.
So what did you decide to do?
I found a crisis counseling center, which I went to. We discussed a few things and finally came to the realization that I was bulimic, that I had a big problem and that I should do something about it. Since that first visit to counseling, I cried for a few days. Even though I had lived with bulimia for so many years, it wasn't until then that I realized it. It's true that I felt a bit relieved after my epiphany, but remembering it makes me want to cry to this day.
Now we are going through everything all over again. We're figuring out what the trigger was for the bulimia. We just have to discover all the things that contributed to it. There are several factors.
I was fortunate that my family and best friends were supportive at the time. They still stand by me today and know what I'm going through. That helped me a lot. The idea of going to someone close to me and them laughing at me... I would probably go back, shut down and carry on as normal. Now I just wish it was over.
So you're slowly finding love for yourself again?
That's what it's all about. At the beginning of all this therapy and struggle with this uselessness, I found that I didn't really love myself, that I was constantly putting myself down, putting myself down and not valuing who I was. It's very important to me now to like and accept myself for who I am. If only because I only have one health.
I became aware of all these things during my first sessions in therapy. After a few more sessions, we put together five goals that I want to achieve in my life. In the beginning I used the words would like, but after a few sessions we repeated the 5 goals and suddenly I used the word want. I didn't realize the difference in word choice until the therapist pointed it out to me. The word exchange actually came on its own, from my subconscious. It may not look like it, but it makes a huge difference. In this way I am gradually discovering other things that have not been very helpful in my life, many of which I'm sure will come up. But I'm on my way. The important thing is that after all these years I've started doing something about it. And I believe I'm going to see it through.
You have to! Like you said, we only have one health...
Exactly. And because of my problem, I'm setting myself up for not only stomach complications, but severe irritation throughout my digestive system. And, due to the lack of nutrients, a collapse of the entire body.
Is that part of the therapy? That you get real about the ways in which your problem is hurting your body, for example?
For me now, it's dealing primarily with the psychological side of things, where there are certain corners that hide a lot of things that one has to unravel and uncover. Whether it's fear of how I look, low self-esteem, or a lot of other things...
Twenty years is not a short time, how do you perceive this period with bulimia in retrospect?
I don't want to compare it completely to alcoholism, but it's kind of similar. I used to do it in secret, hiding in the toilet and throwing up inconspicuously so no one would see. It's all about hiding all the time so no one finds out - you clean the toilet, the sink, and you're still hiding. After a while, I was in perfect control of vomiting, I didn't even need to stick my fingers down my throat anymore.
At the same time, it was a terrible drain on my money. I was totally wasting food. Then you realize there are countries where they don't have anything to eat, and what I do is I throw up what I eat. Anyway, to describe that period - it's not that simple, because I only started to realise my problem in the last few years.
But you must have continuously observed, for example, loss of energy and other undesirable manifestations, right?
It didn't affect me that much. I guess it wasn't until the last two years, when it started to get extreme. Before that, I was throwing up maybe once a day. But maybe when I get to finals, I'll realize in retrospect that it affected me more.
Couldn't it have been stopped then? In the lighter form? If someone reads this interview who is similarly affected and only throws up occasionally, could you perhaps give them some warning about how far the situation can go?
You know, that's hard enough. I didn't worry about it before. I used to make light of everything and think it's not that bad. But I didn't realize that until I started therapy. So if anyone reading the interview has this problem, it's definitely better to address it now.
How long should it take to say goodbye to bulimia? Do you have any insight from the experts?
It's impossible to know exactly. You can't even compare yourself to someone who has been through it. Each person is unique, thinks differently, and the course depends on that. For me, it's probably gonna take a while after 18 years. I don't expect miracles, but I'm glad I'm on my way to a brighter tomorrow and I can see some progress now.
I still go to the vomit and it's still not good, but it's much better than before. After my problem went to the extreme, I used to go throw up maybe five to six times a night, plus maybe three times during the day, but now it's down to about twice a night. Of course, the ideal would be not to vomit, but it won't be right away.
One of the successes is that I have finally kicked the exercise habit, which also leads to greater satisfaction with my body and myself. Along with that comes professional nutritional help, which has made me realize that even though I'm eating, I don't have to gain weight disproportionately. So I'm learning how to eat in a balanced way so I don't gain so much weight.
Although you're not at the end of your journey yet, what advice would you give to people who are dealing with a similar problem? How do you become aware of it and face it?
It's definitely a good idea to get some help. There are self-help guides to getting rid of bulimia, but that doesn't work for everyone. No one. There are plenty of articles and interviews on the internet on the subject. There are also special psychologists and psychiatrists who deal with eating disorders.
But in the first stage, it's definitely a good idea to confide in someone. Someone close to you. Some people may not confide until after the first sessions, but if they do tell someone, it will be to someone who will hold them up. That's what helped me the most and that's when the stone fell from my heart. That huge secret that you drag behind you like a ball at your feet is suddenly out. It's liberating.
And if I go back to the very beginning. Do you think there's anything you can do to help your bulimia problem not manifest itself at all?
I'd love to answer that question, but I don't think I have an answer. I'm not out of the woods yet, so I can't say how to prevent bulimia from manifesting. But it's certainly good that there are campaigns that encourage people to like themselves as they are. The important message is to like ourselves more. Because we are supposed to love ourselves most of all and then love others.
I'm in a phase where my self-love is growing. I've realized a lot of things and I'm still learning a lot. I'm learning to think more positively. But I say, it's a road I'm still on. And I look forward to finishing it. The moment when I wake up one day and say to myself, "Hey, you're over it and you're happy the way you want to be happy. The next stage of life begins."
