"I enjoy sex with women, but I'm still gay," says a man whose sexual orientation is not determined only by who he sleeps with
Dan, you're openly gay, so you could say you're attracted to men. Yet sometimes you sleep with women, which kind of contradicts the definition of homosexuality. How do you perceive your own sexuality?
It's a spectrum! (laughs). Kinsey once pointed out that different people are attracted to and aroused by people of the same and opposite sex to different degrees. Maybe I have a diverse range, because even though I consider myself gay, I also watch straight porn. I focus on the performance of the male, who is usually dominant, so I guess it's exciting for me that I'm also dominant during sex. Maybe that's what it is - I'm just turned on by the dominance, and it doesn't really matter to me whether my partner is a man or a woman.
But isn't that more a characteristic of bisexuality?
I actually have quite a problem with the categories gay, straight, bi. Visually, I like men and the idea of having sex with them excites me, but on the other hand, I also find sex with women a pleasant diversification of my sex life. I don't know if it's a manifestation of bisexuality, I've never felt anything similar to men towards any woman. But as they say - never say never. But for myself, at least for now, I would separate sex and love. Sex with a woman is interesting to me and I enjoy it from time to time. I am gay though.
What exactly is it about sex with a woman that you "enjoy"?
Sex with a woman is always a bit of an experiment for me. I'm active during sex - and I enjoy changing things up. While it may seem incomprehensible to some, sex with a woman is a source of a completely different experience for me that I just like. Sex is so much softer, more subtle, more emotional and naturally more comfortable. Still, for example, a woman's breasts don't mean anything to me. In general, masculinity turns me on.
So you could say that being gay doesn't mean you can't enjoy sex with a woman?
That would put us right back on the spectrum. (laughs) I think it's very individual. I have a lot of gay friends for whom sex with a woman is completely unimaginable. Maybe it's also a pose to some extent, after all, among gay men, many people are quite derisive about what a vagina is like, there are different labels for it. And a lot of gay men who try sex with a woman, for example, don't want to repeat the experience, because vaginal sex just doesn't satisfy them. But besides that, some gay men aren't really turned on by women, they just don't get turned on. But then there are gay men who are like me. So there's no universal way to say it.
In this context, I wonder - at least in your experience - how many gay men are so-called "golden", i.e. those who have never had sex with a woman...
I'd say the vast majority of gay men have had sex with a woman at least once. But the question is what made them do it. Often it's just a kind of experimental phase where you're exploring your sexuality. Many gay men sleep with a girl in their teens - well, maybe not now, but it used to be that way - because the environment makes it clear that it's the right thing to do. Not to mention that even though homosexuality is quite common now, there's still an ingrained idea in some people's minds that you can't reject something you won't try. That's the classic "you probably haven't met the right one and seen how great it can be" argument.
You sleep with women sometimes - do you have a "friend with benefits"? And how do you feel about the whole situation?
No way, it's always a question of one-night stands for me, ideally with someone I don't know at all. I don't want to start anything longer term with a woman, because I identify as gay and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone if I didn't meet some expectations afterwards, for example. The stories about women secretly hoping that after their gay friend sleeps with them, they'll magically turn straight are pretty overcooked. So no, that's not what's happening, and I wouldn't want to raise that hope in anyone.
But then aren't you exposing these random women to all sorts of risks that you're actually hiding from them by not telling them about your orientation?
Personally, I'm pretty responsible, I get tested regularly, and since I don't have a steady partner, I think twice about safe sex. So I don't think I'm any more of a risk to a random woman I sleep with than any other - heterosexual - man she would otherwise have slept with anyway. Quite the opposite.
You may not currently have a partner, but can you imagine that when you do, you'll occasionally "cheat" on a woman like that?
I admit I like to keep my partnerships open. I keep the emotional and sexual sides separate. For me, one-night stands - even with a woman - are not cheating even if I have a partner. It's satisfying a particular sexual desire. Moreover, I would say that sex with a woman is actually even less evil and threatening to a potential partner than sex with another man.
