"My father is gay. He married my mother during the last regime. The family still suffers from that mistake today," says a man who feels he should not have been born
We were interviewed by a man who is currently the father of a two-year-old daughter, lives with his girlfriend and sees his parents every day, who, although they have not yet reached retirement age, are in poor health.
Thank you for taking the time for this interview. From what I understand, you not only have a job, but you also earn a living. Is the current economic situation difficult for you?
It is. It's half my fault, of course. I won't defend myself here. My daughter came into the world at a time when my girlfriend and I weren't ready. We simply weren't paying attention. My girlfriend's mom was raising three kids as a single mom, so there was never any big money. And my parents weren't in a great position to give us anything to get started either. So I have to turn around.
My mom's on disability and my dad works, but it's not easy to run a house and everything. And in this day and age. Just the gas alone, he's paying an awful lot of money all of a sudden. Plus, my dad's been having back problems for a long time, so it's pretty tight.
I understand. Well, if I'm stepping right into a hornet's nest, money isn't the only problem in your family, is it? You confided in me that Mom being sick has complicated family roots.
Mommy has mental problems. She can't work because of it. She's been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks and paranoia, and even a mild social phobia. She doesn't leave the house much. She used to be a shop assistant, working in a place where she was always seeing people, not resting, on her feet... So it's actually impossible for her to go back to work.
How long has she been on disability?
A lot of years. It got to the point where she was in the hospital. Several times. They've kept her there for months at a time. She was prone to thinking about taking her own life. It's a very sensitive subject for me. For as long as I can remember, my mom's always had problems.
I sensed that on the one hand, you're grateful to Dad for taking care of Mom, both economically and, let's say, humanly. But at the same time, you kind of blame him for it all. Is my impression correct?
I'm trying to understand him. But there was a time when I really hated my dad. I ran away from home, I rebelled, I provoked him. I really wanted to make his life as miserable as possible and get revenge.
Revenge for what, exactly? For the situation you had at home?
I felt like he ruined my mom's health and that our family was never normal because of him. We never went to the seaside, for example. Mom couldn't handle the travel. I didn't go to the seaside for the first time until I was in my twenties - with my girlfriend.
But it's not just about the sea. It's just that we always had a very difficult situation, a stuffy atmosphere, there was always something going on and it was never calm and peaceful. There was no such thing as a family getting into something or having fun at a board game. The most I did with my dad was work on some car he was fixing or spend time with him in the kitchen. At my mom's house, I'd sit and read. But everything was separate. Nothing between the three of us. And at the same time, I was never completely into any of it because the atmosphere wasn't right for it.
Let me ask you directly: How do you know your daddy's gay?
That's an open secret. And the reason I was so mad at him as a teenager. Because my dad, when he drinks, he acts different. Some guys start looking at girls in the pub, hitting on them, taking them home... Dad does that with guys. Which was even worse for me as a high school kid or a kid. Plus, there aren't many gay men in this country, to put it bluntly. Or at least they don't come out. My dad used to try it on the neighbors when he was drunk. And that's a problem. It's all the talk, everybody knows about it. And it was getting to my mom, too.
How did she react?
If your husband is unfaithful, that's one thing. Add to that the fact that she eventually found out she was never really attracted to him, it's another thing. I think it destroyed her.
And did it? Some people can simply be in love and feel attraction to a partner regardless of gender or sex.
It was. My parents talked about it. My dad admitted to my mom that he'd always had a thing for men. But just the regime of the time, the mindset of people, families... He couldn't say it and live the way he wanted to. So he did what he thought was right.
Is that what he's saying?
Yes, he does. I think it was a mistake. He should have fought for what he wanted. Because that's how he ruined my mom's life, who I think just couldn't take it, and mine. I've been slandered by my classmates at school, I've seen the looks from the neighbors...
If I'm really gonna say it fully: You don't really mind that your father is gay, but that he married your mother without loving her and when he gets into alcohol he shows himself to be an infidel?
You basically said it exactly.
Why didn't your parents divorce? Excuse me for asking, but it seems logical...
Mom's a very fragile person. I was very young when her mental problems started. And it got worse and worse. And with my dad, too. You can tell he's probably trapped in a relationship he's not happy in. But he loves his mom. He doesn't want to leave her when she's sick. And she can't take care of herself. Dad's the one who earns the money, does everything at home - cleans, cooks, mostly takes care of me... She couldn't do it alone. Nothing.
So, in the end, Dad's not a "villain", but rather a "tortured hero" who's hurt others with his misfortune?
Let's call it that. Dad brings food to Mom in bed when she can't get up. He talks her out of going to the bathroom when she doesn't feel like it, helps her with all her functioning. As an adult, I can see that. I wouldn't have the energy for that after work. I'm glad my girlfriend takes care of my daughter and the apartment. My dad has really done everything for everyone and everything at home his whole life.
It's a really tricky situation... What do you see as a way out of it? You said you're trying to understand your father now. What's changed in your approach?
When I was a kid, the main thing I perceived was that I hated the way my dad acted when he drank. It bothered me a lot. And all the gossip and talk, the shame. All I could see was that he behaved badly when it came to that. But now I'm trying to understand why he's acting that way. I'm strictly a woman person. But if I were to live with one I didn't love, I'd probably be struggling too, and looking for ways to at least balance things out a bit.
Did Daddy know about the talk from the neighbors and your classmates and other people?
Not at first. When he's drunk, he has this feeling that he's unbreakable and nothing can happen to him. Then when he sobered up, he avoided confrontation and somehow pushed it away. We talk about it now and then. He's sorry himself, but he can't help it. I think it was a mistake for my parents to get married, and it's a mistake my family still suffers from to this day.
It's hard to understand it from today's point of view, isn't it?
I try not to judge something I haven't experienced. But it's hard. I feel that if I hadn't been born, there would still have been a way out for my mother. And for my dad, too. I shouldn't have been born to them.
That's a very difficult thought... It must weigh on you. I'm sure neither of your parents would have wished not to have you...
Not now, of course, I'm their son. But if they didn't know me, didn't know what it would be like to have me, I think they'd be happier. There's not much of a way out of it now. The most Dad can do is pull out, but we both know that means I'll be in charge of Mom, and I don't know how I'd handle that now.
