After the rough coming out came reproaches, intrusive questions, and even an offer of money. And with the breakup, the extended family broke up
So, since we're being so nicely thematic, I'll ask the same question that you say many people ask you, and it makes you angry: when did you find out you were gay?
It strikes me as the stupidest question, and I'm glad we're starting with that. That's why I wanted to do this interview. I've been going through a really rough patch the last few weeks. I'm constantly dealing with someone in my personal life. It seems like everyone is suddenly very interested. It's none of their business.
For me, asking someone when they found out they were gay is on a similar level to asking them when they found out they like oral sex. It's an extremely intimate thing, plus the lines are pretty blurred compared to fellatio. For example, I've never gone through a clear moment where I was like, "Ha! I'm gay! My experience is that it's been in the subconscious all my life, sometimes it bubbles up slowly, sometimes it's kept under wraps, and sometimes it's clear right away. But it's definitely not an aha moment. At least not for me.
What about people who are confused about their orientation? Isn't it possible that one day there will be an aha moment?
It's more like acceptance, acknowledgement, understanding, but certainly not realization. I think that in the corner of your soul you just have it.
Is it so much the use of the word "realise"?
Yes, because I hear it all the time now. I went through a coming out recently. I'm over 30, which is quite an age to start getting your life together. And a lot of things change with that. Even though I've had a partner and lived a certain way, being gay has been inside me all my life, I've just repressed it. If I use the word realise anywhere, it's more in the realisation that you're hurting yourself by refusing to accept yourself.
Was your coming out difficult? It seems like it was...
It was. It was intertwined with a breakup with my long-time partner, a life change - moving, changing financial circumstances, withdrawing from long-term plans... I have to say I've never experienced a worse time.
So did you and your partner break up because you came out as gay, or was the sequence different?
I really wanted - and still want - children. I'm a family man. My ex-partner is a great girl and she's going to be a wonderful mum one day. She's dedicated, caring, nurturing... I made the perfect choice. But even though I tried to break it for a long time, I couldn't love her and enjoy some of the partner stuff, if you get my drift. We lived together in a rental for a few years and now we've decided to buy a place of our own. A few weeks ago the mortgage was due to be signed and I realised there was no turning back. Up until then, it was always like: We don't have kids yet, we don't own property together, we're not married... I could handle that. But this huge commitment, when I realized it was going to be like a seal on a relationship I didn't really want, scared me. It's unfair of me and I'm terribly ashamed of it, but I ran away from it at the last minute. I dodged a bullet by inches.
That must have been tough - even for her.
It was. I know she's not taking it well. It's also not good for her and my family.
Was there a confrontation?
That's where I'm at pretty much all the time now. They blame me for not saying something sooner, or conversely, that surely this is just a period of defiance towards commitment and I will soon return to "normal" in the sense of either going straight back to my ex or finding another woman.
Does your family blame you mostly for the timing, or your coming out in general?
Both. The timing sucked, I'll give you that. However, it could have been worse. We could have had kids, a mortgage, and who knows what else.
In general, my coming out hasn't been accepted by my family at all. Unlike friends, it's more complicated than that. I take the fact that some of my friends don't accept it as proof that they don't belong in my life. Or at the very least, they might have sided with an ex-girlfriend who I know really hates me now. It's harder to break those bonds with family, but I guess I'll have to do it.
You want to limit contact with them? Or isn't there an option to just give it a little more time?
I'm sorry enough about some things that I don't think I'm just gonna let them go. For example, my brother has been very over the top and I have no desire to see him or talk to him after what he said to me. My mom is also clearly on my ex-girlfriend's side. They call each other, they're always going over things, and it makes me uncomfortable. Plus, my mom has these tendencies to try and play good cop and bad cop on me. Sometimes she comes in wanting to talk, she talks to me slowly, carefully. Other times, she says it's time to say things at the top of her lungs. Either way, it's always the same: She asks what's wrong with me; how I came up with this crap; that she doesn't understand when it broke me that I'm suddenly gay... She can't understand. Whenever I tell her that part of me has always felt this way, I've just blocked it out, she counters that she's known me since birth and I've never been like this . That she doesn't recognize me. She asks if I'm on drugs, sends me to a psychiatrist, even offers me money because she thinks I made the whole thing up out of fear of the mortgage.
And now what? What's next for you? As far as I know, you've let the joint tenancy go, you obviously don't want to live with your parents, even though you have things with them...
I'm looking for a place to live now. I don't want to live in a dump, but rents in Prague are crazy now that you're on your own. So somehow I'll survive a few more days or weeks with my parents and as soon as I can, I'm out!
