"My father was convinced that if I was gay, I would automatically die of AIDS," says the man whose family initially rejected his difficult coming out
Sexual orientation is a given and one is born with it, as many studies have confirmed. But when did you yourself start to realize that something different than "normal" would be in your case?
I think that somehow subconsciously it was in me since childhood. And sometime in third or fourth grade, I noticed that I was attracted to boys. Not sexually, of course I wasn't old enough for that yet (laughs), but it was at that time that my classmates started to be interested in girls, the first school "crushes" that everyone remembers. But I wasn't interested in girls, on the contrary, I found myself staring at boys. It took me quite a long time to get over it, actually until I left for high school.
How does one "cope" with not fitting into the classic norms that one sees all around them and being held to them as if they are automatically required to?
It's hard. At least it was hard for me. But I would divide it into two separate phases. The first was my own definitive realization that I was just gay. That happened the first time I kissed a boy - just in high school. It scared me tremendously, because up until then everything had been theoretical. But that kiss seemed to seal who I was. While that first kiss certainly didn't mean that I would soon start dating and just partnering like anyone else, I realized that I couldn't imagine it ever being any other way and I started to be attracted to women. It was such a frightening epiphany, not least because it was phase number two - how to tell at home - that was to follow.
Coming out in front of loved ones is still a huge challenge for LGBT people, so what all was going through your mind at the time?
First and foremost I had to sort everything out within myself, it's definitely a tough step already, especially when you actually know you're not going to get any support. My parents were certainly not "fans" of gays and lesbians. So you are actually facing a double pressure - from yourself, trying to somehow cope with the fact that you are facing a completely different path than you universally expected, and then from the environment, which is letting you know that you have "chosen" this path and it is definitely not going to be a walk in the proverbial park. It was really hard at home.
So how did your parents react to you being gay?
I heard a lot of horrible things from my dad - he was the one who repeatedly told me that I had really chosen the wrong direction in life. As if I could choose! And my mum, she just cried all the time. Although she never said it out loud, I later learned from other relatives that I had ruined her plans to be a grandmother. It was ridiculous. And it was my mom who went to "complain" to all our relatives, which actually ostracized me from them. Without me wanting to. Then I packed up and moved out of the house, feeling like I couldn't live in that environment anymore.
But it's been almost ten years since then, you still don't communicate with your parents?
They say time heals all wounds. Although I don't think this is always true in every circumstance, time has certainly played a big role in my case. And the fact that my parents could see that even after several years I hadn't "changed my mind" about my orientation. My aunt finally organized a family party where I could talk to my parents. And this conversation came as a bit of a shock to me - I learned that my grandfather's brother, who had emigrated abroad in the 1960s and who was not talked about in the family at all, had died of AIDS. And so the whole horrible reaction of my parents to my coming out was based on that. It's not a super great excuse, of course, but with today's perspective I understand it - or rather, I'm working on understanding it. (Laughs) My dad eventually admitted that being gay automatically meant to him that I was going to die of AIDS, too. So the whole crazy anabasis was really about fear on both sides, mine and my parents'...
So is openness and honesty the way to successfully handle coming out in the family?
I'd say the classic adage: everything in moderation. I understand that my parents' reaction was out of fear for me, but on the other hand, I don't think it's ideal to have someone close to you - in a situation where you're dealing with your own inner fears - throw their own fears at you. I understand that she has them, I understand that my dad had them, and I understand that my mom had them. But it would have been better for both parties if my parents had kept those feelings to themselves, or if they had given vent to them elsewhere, not in front of me.
So what approach do you think parents should take when their child tells them they are lesbian/gay?
They should probably tame their emotions. (Laughs) And definitely not be afraid to ask what they can do at that moment and what their support should look like. I think that's probably the most important thing, not only is it a way to show that they care and care about the child, but it also allows everyone involved to think about how to continue the relationship. While not every family will have an idyllic course, I believe that almost every parent is set up to love their child. And that's a great starting point.
