Name-calling and pushing: Bullying in high school had a greater impact on the aggressor than on the victim. Today, the men are in contact and living similar lives
We recently published an interview with a man who thought he was your high school bully. He put us in touch with you directly, so you're in touch, right?
We are. It's not like we see each other every fortnight for a drink, but we normally connect online, we like each other's photos now and then, and we've talked about some class reunion we could organise together at my cottage.
Do you feel like inviting former classmates to your cabin? Despite the fact that you were allegedly bullied?
I don't see it that way. High school is hard on everyone. Yes, I recognize that on the one hand I want to see how those who towered over me turned out, and my ugly SELF looks forward to sitting by my beautiful fireplace and complaining about their divorces and mortgages, but that's more of a minor - gloating - part of my nature. The rest of me is just curious to see how everyone is doing. I like to host events and invite people over. So why not invite the ones I knew when I was a kid.
The man we interviewed thought he was bullying you and now - as an adult - he has to apologize. He reached out to you, but you not only didn't expect an apology, you didn't even think one was coming. How is that possible?
He wasn't exactly nice to me, that's true. He gave me a hard time, but not for the reason he thought. I'm not the type to fall apart when I get hit by a dodge ball or because someone shoves me with their shoulder, as he told you. And that he called me a faggot, a faggot , or worse? It hurt me at the time, but in retrospect, you realize that kids are the cruelest. We're all evolving and I don't resent a grown man for the way he acted when he was a teenager. As a teenager, I thought I was going to be famous like the Spice Girls and I had even practiced dancing, which I'm sure I could still do today, as much as I practiced it. (Laughs) We were all weird and out of touch with reality.
What do you mean he gave you a hard time after all?
I was so in love with him! (laughs) But I'm not allowed to say that anywhere publicly because I'm now living with a partner I met in high school. We had some breaks, but we started when we were very young and we came to our first experience together. If he found out that I liked someone else so much, he would get really mad and I'm actually not surprised.
"Terribly in love" sounds like it was really intense!
It was! I acted like a fool. I don't even know if I should tell you... (laughs)
I'll be happy to...
All right, I'll tell you. I tried really hard to be close to him. So I would often walk the halls on breaks and look for him where he was so we could bump into each other. I would stare at him from behind during class. He had these little hairs on his neck and I was always so tempted to touch them! I know it sounds awful...
Have you ever touched it?
I didn't because he'd probably break my arm - I was afraid of that. (laughs)
How else did you pester him?
That was still something. Even on school trips, I tried to go near him and at least listen when he was talking to someone. I remember the experience I had when I could lend him a pen and I would tell my friend over and over for maybe three hours. I was obsessed!
Even though he wasn't friendly to you?
I think that's partly why. I always wanted things I couldn't have. Plus, it was obvious he was gay, he just didn't know it yet, or didn't want to admit it. My gay radar was going through my head. He was clear!
Did you ever give him any indication of your affection?
I tried to smile at him or be nice. I also texted him a few times from a friend's phone, but he only texted back once when he asked who I was. And when I didn't reply and started flirting and telling him to figure it out on his own, he blew it off and started ignoring messages from that number.
I admit, it was really killing me. I thought about him all the time, even when I already had a boyfriend and we were actually happy together. I always imagined what it would be like if we got together. I didn't even mind that he bothered me. I assumed he was at least paying some attention to me and that he was mad at me because he couldn't show his feelings or was ashamed because coming out isn't as easy for everyone as it was for me. My family is great, no one ever addressed it and I didn't really have to make any special announcements. It was a perfectly normal day when I first hinted something about liking guys. I think my parents and my sister recognized it in me before I did. But not everyone is so lucky.
So the bullying really didn't affect you?
I think it's important what kind of background you have. Bullying is a horrible thing, not to be underestimated, and there are a few moments that I carry with me, but it hasn't affected my life. I owe it to my family who have always supported me and never let me down. I don't want to sound pathetic, but when you have someone to turn to, you can endure anything. Kids or people in general, when they get into a tough situation and don't see a way out, they're screwed. That must be terrible. I've discussed everything with my mom and my sister. And sometimes with my dad, who's not much for talking, but when it came to crisis, he never pushed me away. When I was going through some situations that could be considered bullying, I always felt better at home and figured that the person on the other side must be even more unhappy than I am. That it's more like he needs help with his anger. And I was right. For all I know, he's just as much of a faggot as I am now, and we actually live pretty similar lives. (laughs)
