A double life in practice: at home, an "incompetent son and mother", in Prague, a gay man afraid of exposure
Forgive me for stepping right into the hot stuff: You're almost 40 years old and living with your parents. Is that right?
Yes, I am. I have my own apartment where I stay sometimes, but it's true that I'm at my parents' house every day. The apartment they gave me doesn't suit me very well. It's small, it's quiet, I'm alone and I don't feel comfortable there. I'm thinking of renting it out because my financial situation isn't great. But I guess that's ruining it now, in a time of crisis...
What do you do for a living?
I don't have a job at the moment, but I'm looking for one.
How long have you been looking for a job?
I can't seem to find one that fulfills me. It's true that I'm uncomfortable with this topic because it makes everyone look at me in different ways. But I'm just never going to be happy in a routine and nobody is going to offer me freedom. Not to mention for money that would be worth working for. That's just the way these times are. Plus, I'm lacking any major motivation.
I take it you've been out of work for years?
Okay, I'll tell you, the last time I had a part-time job at a nonprofit was five years ago. But I was depressed, I couldn't make it to class, I couldn't meet deadlines... I just don't do well in an environment where the pressure is on me. I think I carry that feeling from my childhood, but I don't want to make excuses.
Were there any excessive demands placed on you as a child?
For a long time, I played a hard sport that I absolutely did not enjoy. I'm not gonna say what kind, because in our neighborhood, maybe some people would know who I am. Anyway, I've been doing it since I was a kid. I hated it. I was pretty good at it, but only because I didn't want to get scolded and I worked my ass off a few days a week. Plus I went to a tough high school, which I didn't enjoy either, but I had to. Everything's very much my dad's way in our house.
You don't have a good relationship with your father?
No, I don't. I'm telling you straight up. He thinks of me as a mommy, a bad son, an incompetent son of a bitch... My mom is with him because she never made much money at her job and she's afraid she'd have to go to some small apartment if they got divorced. But my dad is just awful - he's critical, always in a bad mood, grumpy and nervous. He's never given me anything for free, and he can't even praise or appreciate me. I try to avoid him when I'm home.
But you and Mommy get along much better...
Mom's great. She's always been on my side. We have a great relationship. We spend most of our free time together.
Like, leisure activities, or just at home?
Outside, too. We go shopping, we talk, we go swimming, we cook together. Neither of us are very good at it, so it's always fun. (laughs) My mom doesn't have many friends and I'm not really surrounded by people either. That's because I don't have that work group, for example, and all my childhood friends have families now, they live elsewhere, and so on.
You told me you had a big secret. Do you keep that just from your father, or do you keep it from your mother as well?
From Mom, too. My mom's not a nervous person, but she thinks the world of gay people. It's a taboo subject for us. And if my dad found out how I got it, he'd just kill me. He'd throw me out of the house.
I don't mean to offend you, but at 40, does it scare you that your father would throw you out of the house? Wouldn't that be better? You could live more independently and, above all, the way you really feel...
No, I don't think so. I don't want to leave my mother alone. She can't handle it.
You told me you go to Prague, where you feel like yourself when you come here. What do you mean by that?
I go to a place there. I don't want to mention it, but it's just such a specific place. I always relax here, talk to people who don't feel the need to spread gossip. We keep our stuff to ourselves. Nobody takes pictures and puts them all over the net. It's kind of very private and you can meet great people there. At the same time, Prague has much better service in terms of great restaurants, wellness or cosmetics.
Compared to the old photos, I see that you might have a slight change in your face, right? Is that from Prague too? And wasn't that strange to your father, or does he not mind such things?
It does, but I just said I had an accident and my lip swelled up. We didn't discuss the fact that it's still there. We don't discuss things much in general. Every time we see each other, he just gives me a look. Most of the time he doesn't even say hello. And I don't feel the need either.
Is that how you guys pass each other at your house? That must be tough on the psyche...
It is! It is!
I can't not ask: You said you don't work. Mom doesn't make much money either. But at the same time you go to Prague and visit various services...
I see where you're going. I have some money saved up that I got from my mom once. She saved for college, which I never went to. My mom and dad have money together, but she's the one who takes care of the home shopping, so she saves some, and maybe occasionally she'll contribute some of it to me. He, my dad, wouldn't give me anything. He's very strict with me. He criticizes me for everything. I don't have money, I'm not married, I haven't built my own house, I don't have kids, I can't do anything, I'm not good at anything, I'm not smart... Sometimes the fights get really ugly. If it wasn't for my mom, I wouldn't know. She's just great.
I'm asking because I think readers would be interested in these numbers, too, and I'd like you to have a chance to comment.
I understand, and thanks for the space. It really is all about the dad. If things were different, I would probably have lived a different life a long time ago. But I can't get out of it. My dad's downright homophobic and xenophobic. He hates everyone and everything and he makes it very clear. He's never allowed to find out "it" about me.
Why were you interested in an interview? What did you want to tell the world in particular? To reveal your double life, at least anonymously?
I guess it's really bad to be judgmental. It hurts people. I see it all the time, in some discussions on the internet or even among people: everybody tends to judge me for having a nice car, or for getting an apartment, or for looking good, but for being alone in photos, or for having really big lips - because some people just don't like it - or for not working... We are all different, and for me the pressure is just too much. I've even deleted my social media a few times because of how much it's hurt me. I wish it would stop and people would be more understanding of each other.
