From girlfriends to alcoholism to realizing your orientation. "I recommend a psychologist to everyone," Tomáš sums up his progress
Thomas, we agreed to just use your first name. Why do you want to remain a secret?
The thing is, I don't have some things settled with myself yet. And neither do the people close to me. I guess fate hasn't been entirely friendly to me. I've got a lot on my plate and a lot to deal with.
For example, what have you done?
I grew up in a family with an alcoholic father. It wasn't easy. I have two younger sisters, and my mom was all about them, I guess. She was worried about how they'd carry things, protected them. She discussed things with me more, relied on me a lot. Not only did I help at home, like cleaning my room or washing dishes, but I also babysat the girls a lot, ran some errands for my mom when she couldn't, learned how to cook... In retrospect, I'm glad for all the things I did. I can practically take care of myself and my dog is doing just fine. (laughs) But I also had a lot of perception of what was going on around me, I had that information, and even though I thought I could handle it, it was building up a lot.
When did you realize that?
A psychologist helped me with that. I decided to start seeing him when the lockdown was at its worst. It was just too much. I had too much time to think, and that's never a good thing.
What were you thinking about at the time?
A lot of it was just my dad and my mom. About what my life might have been like if I'd had a normal family and childhood; if I hadn't had trouble trusting people; if I hadn't tried so hard to please everyone...
After I left my parents, I found a girlfriend, and in retrospect I realize, also thanks to just a psychologist, that I have once again chosen a relationship in which I save things. I'm used to that pattern. So I did the last one for her first. I took care of her son, too. I cooked, I cleaned, I drove her where she needed to go, I gave her money... I kept trying to make her happy, but she never was and neither was I.
Didn't what you wrote to me have any effect on that? I mean, that you discovered you weren't actually straight?
Maybe I am. I don't know. It must be a mixture of everything. I actually fell into the same pattern as when I was helping my mom, and my girlfriend and I didn't have much sex either, that's true. (Laughs) I thought I was just tired, irritable, stressed out a lot about little things. That's when you're not in the mood for some bed-making. And she wasn't into it either. I know now that she chose me because I was obviously a good-looking dumb-ass. And that's it.
Are you two out of touch?
Fortunately, no. We broke up right when the covid started. Everything was closing, people were panicking, and we were suddenly forced to spend more time together. It just blew up. I had to move out.
So you lived alone?
Worse. I moved back in with my mom. I thought it would be good for me, but it was worse. My mom hasn't been with my dad for a few years, but she's learned to be very sorry. When you let go, you suddenly find yourself doing everything for her because she's falling apart. I understand she's sensitive, I get that from her. But in the long run, it's very difficult to spend time with her.
Is that where your - shall we say - relationship with alcohol began?
I hated alcohol as a kid, as I saw it in my dad. But it sort of shifted as I got older, and through the covid I lost control of it. I drank pretty much every day. At least three beers with dinner, and that was a weak day. I usually had wine during the day, and it would fall into me on its own, so the bottle would be gone I don't know how. And that's where the bigger arguments with my mom started. She started blaming me a lot for being like my dad. It just made me so mad that I rebelled even more. I was an adult, self-employed, busy... It pissed me off that my mom was interfering with what I could or couldn't do. And that she was comparing me to my father, who used to torment us a lot.
That must have been a difficult time...
It was very divisive for my mom and me. It's a little better now, but it's not the same.
Are you still living with her?
Actually, I've been living alone since November. It got so bad over the fall, I couldn't stand it with my mom anymore. We were both fighting all the time, and the other one was bothering us. I was afraid we were gonna lose the relationship completely, so I found my own place. Just a studio apartment, but it's good enough.
And you quit drinking?
Not completely, but I think I'm back in control. I'll take a taste, but not because it's a habit, just drinking all the time. Last year, when I was thirsty, I didn't even think of drinking water. I'd just reach for a glass of wine or a beer. And I thought it was all right...
So, partly, Mummy was right that you were overdoing it, but she used an argument that wasn't very fair. Is that how you feel?
That's exactly right. I've been helping her and my dad my whole life. That she started throwing him at me just pisses me off, and I don't want her to say that. I'm trying to work on myself now. And I just found out with the psychologist that I have more things to think about than just alcohol and family. We came to the conclusion that some of my thoughts that kept coming back and I was always ashamed of them were actually more my normal mind that I was trying to suppress.
What does that mean? In layman's terms?
It means that I am now coming to terms with the fact that I am attracted to men. I don't see it as a relationship yet, it kind of scares me, but I'm working on understanding myself better. For me, psychologists are badly needed and everyone should go there when they don't feel well. I used to pretty much despise psychology and laugh about it, but I need to take it back. It's really important. If you don't feel well, go. Seriously. Just like going to the dentist when you have a toothache. Make you feel better...
