"I was terrified of homophobia, so I put off coming out. I was most afraid of football players. Their reaction got to me," the reader confided
Lukáš, you are going through a coming out now - can we say that?
Yes, and I say so myself. I'm actually at the stage where I've told some of my friends and family about it. My colleagues at work and my ex-girlfriend don't know yet.
Why do you include your ex-girlfriend in that list? Is it relevant to you what she knows and doesn't know?
It is, because we broke up because of me. She was the one who ended the relationship, but I know I wasn't a good partner. She deserved better, and I'm sorry about the way things turned out. But as hard as I tried, I could never do the right thing. I wanted to spend more time without her, I guess I was pretty dismissive of her and didn't take her feelings into consideration. But there was no other way. I just didn't feel like building anything in the relationship. I liked her and I knew I couldn't get a better girl, but I couldn't bring myself to be there for her. It was very obligatory, and I think she must have felt it, and I think she was struggling.
How long has it been since you guys broke up?
It's been about six months. We were together for a long time - since junior year of high school, actually. She was a freshman at the time, and she was new to the school. I noticed her because we'd been seeing each other in the neighborhood since we were kids. So we kind of got to talking and that was it. But it was never really intense on my part. I guess it was from her. She fought hard to save us, but it just didn't work.
At the time, you hadn't yet sorted out whether you wanted to live with a woman or a man?
I had an inkling, but I didn't want to. (laughs) I was around boys from a young age. I thought it was normal that I wanted to spend most of my time with them. From the age of five, my parents put me in football, which I've been doing ever since. That kind of locker room banter and flirting for fun was something I thought was normal. And I guess it is, I just probably enjoyed it more. (Laughs) I've been thinking for a long time how it is. Especially when I was in elementary school, it was very confusing.
And when did you start to be sure how things were?
Well, you know. I've known I liked guys for a long time. But I was able to sleep with a girl and like her, so I didn't worry about it. But then I got a boyfriend and suddenly it all started to make more sense. So I'm not 100% sure I want a girl anymore until now. I know it's stupid, since I've been an adult for a while. (laughs)
You told me your family already knows your boyfriend...
Yeah. I introduced him to them after about two months. I was just really happy, so I wanted my parents to meet him. They took it in stride. They were surprised because they liked my ex-girlfriend, but on the other hand, they told me that it was obvious for years that she liked me more than I liked her, so it actually made sense.
Why are you afraid to tell your ex-girlfriend? Or let me put the question better: Why is she one of the people you plan to tell but are also afraid to tell?
She's been very angry with me since the breakup. I know she planned for us to be together forever, to get married, and all that. I was her first, and I suppose I'll be her last for now. Even when she broke up with me, she cried a lot. She wrote to me for a long time afterwards. I don't think she even wanted to break up with me then, I think she was hoping that it would scare me off and something would change between us. She just really doesn't like me very much now. But I care about her and I want to explain everything to her and for us to be friends. She's really great. We used to love dancing and hiking together. If maybe she finds someone to go with us in the future, I'd like to keep doing these things with her.
So once you confide in her and your friends at work, will it be done?
With my colleagues, I'm not sure yet because we're not exactly friends and I don't know how my boss might react, so I'm thinking of not even telling them. I don't want to get into any gossip. But I have to say that I was very scared even at the football game what the guys would think. I wouldn't be comfortable if they didn't want me in the locker room anymore, for example, or if they just pushed me away in some other way. On the one hand, I could understand it, because I never told them that I liked some of them, but I went to the showers with them. But on the other hand, I'm not the type to bother. I don't want to break heterosexuals, that seems pointless and all wrong to me.
So when did you come out at that football game?
It's been a couple of weeks. Homophobia in general scares me a lot and always has. I don't like to take my boyfriend's hand outside, for example. Somehow I don't trust the people around me not to get attacked or bullshitted, for example. And I was afraid of it even among those closest to me - that they might judge me, laugh at me, gossip about me, or something.
Going back to your question about my football teammates, they were the ones I was most afraid of. Actually, I took it in a very ceremonial way, that I wanted to say something important to them . I thought it would be terrible, that they would look at me strangely, so I took it really seriously. Well, I ended up being a jerk, because they're really friends. They just started laughing and kept doing what we always do - making fun of each other. That's what got me. No one ever really addressed it any more than that, and as far as I know, they don't. So I'm really happy.
