"I would like the vulnerability of the other party to be taken into account when coming out," says woman who lost relationship with son
Are you the mom of an only child or do you have multiple children?
We have two sons. They're 11 years apart. The other one goes to school.
Eleven years is quite a difference. Is it like raising two only children?
You're right, in a way it is. When the younger son was born, the older one was already in high school. We were dealing with completely different things with him than with the younger one at that point, so yes, to a large extent they each had their own individual attention and didn't grow up the way they probably would have if they were closer in age. They weren't playing together, they weren't partners - it wasn't even possible. By the time there was some basic language with the younger son, the older one was in his teens.
You're not close with your older son now. I don't want to ask directly what that is, because that would probably be a difficult question to start with, but doesn't the transfer of your attention to your younger offspring play a role there?
I don't think so. My older son and I don't really have an ideal relationship right now, but I don't think my husband and I made a mistake as parents. When our older son was older, it was logical that the younger one, who is still learning to walk, talk, later write and simply function, needed more attention. In my opinion, that's what any parent would do. Plus, the older son's father left us when the boy was two. My husband is actually only the biological dad of the second son. He's always been nice to the older one too, but of course, he's been pimping his own since he was a kid and it was different for him than jumping into an already-started family. I got married when my older son was nine and brought my husband home for the first time when my son was seven. He wasn't a baby anymore.
The relationship between your husband and your older son has developed well in your opinion?
I think it certainly did. And I'd like to keep the conversation moving in that direction. Neither my husband nor I made any mistakes in our upbringing. My older son is just a complicated character.
Okay. Well... So let's go in your direction. How is he complicated?
He's always wanted things differently than everyone else, got mad about little things, was very focused on details that maybe didn't need to be addressed and then made a big deal out of it. He's just a very eccentric type of person. Ever since he was a kid. He had problems with teachers because of it, not just his classmates. He just wants to get his own way. And that's hard to get along with.
Is that why you don't see much of each other now?
I think so. It's just my son's stuck on something again. Something that's actually a stupid detail and he's insisting on it. And unfortunately, I can't give in on that.
What are we talking about?
To simplify, my son didn't like the way we welcomed his partner home the first time. He's a man I just wasn't comfortable with, my husband didn't know what to make of him either, but we tried. But my son took it that we probably didn't try hard enough. I don't know...
Was there some kind of argument?
It was an awkward situation. Unexpected. I think it was more the son who didn't take it well.
I need to hear a little bit more to get a handle on the situation...
Yeah, I understand. Well, it's just our custom to gather around the table on Sundays. We don't always make it during the week, but we try to keep those Sundays for lunch when we can. And both boys know it. Well, five years ago, my older son brought a guy in out of the blue. I think you can understand how that was a shock. We weren't prepared for it. But of course we treated him, he had lunch with us, it was just unpleasant and it was badly organised. I think we just need to talk about it and we can all be at ease, but my son was offended and to this day is still not able to get over it.
So, to be clear: My son is gay and he brought his boyfriend. You had no idea he had someone?
Not only that. We didn't even know he was into guys! (laughs) Or I mean, I knew something, but we never talked about it. And suddenly he came up holding hands with this guy...
Was that uncomfortable for you?
Yes, it was. I wish I'd been prepared for that. He should have told me privately that he had a thing for men. And it bothers me that he brought someone in unannounced. Even if it was a woman, it would upset me. Plus, I just wasn't comfortable with the man on a purely human level.
And you made that clear?
I mentioned that I would appreciate it if the visit was arranged in advance, yes. But other than that, I don't think I'd be obnoxious enough for my son to blow the situation up into huge proportions again. Just so you understand, my son has been trying to badmouth me for the last few years. I've heard from all sides that maybe I threw him and his boyfriend out of the table because they're gay. That's not true at all. After dessert, I asked them to come back another time because I wasn't even dressed for visitors. I didn't feel good at that moment. I guess maybe it's my right to be with only my family at Sunday dinner and not with strangers I don't count on.
When was the last time you spoke to your son?
I'll text him now and then to see how he's doing or to meet up - we live a short distance from each other. I see pictures of him on social media. I try to communicate with him, but he's so busy! He's not willing to come without his boyfriend. I just want to talk to my son. That's all. I don't want to back down on this, because from now on, I'll only talk to my own child in the presence of a stranger. That's ridiculous!
Don't you think it might calm things down if you all got together?
No, I don't think so. I won't back down on this. I don't think this man is an adequate partner for my son. And at the same time, I think my son owes me an apology. He's making it sound like I'm somehow biased against gay people, but that's not true at all, and I don't like that he's putting me in that position.
What is the message of this conversation? Why did you stand up for publication?
I want children to realize that their parents have needs and wants too. And that it's not all about whether or not someone is gay. Of course I'd rather see a nice girl next to my son, but I don't think there's anything I can do about it. But I should get a chance to talk about things and have some time and space to think about it before I'm forced to react. I'd like the vulnerability of the other party to be taken into account in the coming out discussion, as you call it. It's not just about that particular person coming forward to those parents. I wish I had a chance to absorb it naturally and have a relationship with my son again.
