"I had my first coming out on a train. My family doesn't know about it yet," said the student, who commutes to school every day
We agreed on a nod and a made-up name, Roman. So, Roman, I'm gonna ask you straight out, just like you asked me to: Are you gay?
I've heard that question a few times. Mostly ironically, as a swear word. But to answer: Yes. I'm gay, and you're the second person who knows it.
Where did these ironic questions come from?
Mostly from, like, classmates, people at camp, my brother...
Why did they ask you that question, especially - as you say - ironically?
I'm 19 years old. I haven't had a girlfriend yet. Maybe my brother talks about it a lot, although I don't think he really thinks so. He just makes fun of me. And so are my classmates. I don't like these conversations. I think it's just my thing. I'm not comfortable with being laughed at.
I understand that. Is your brother older than you?
Younger. He's seventeen.
And he already has a girlfriend?
I don't think so now. He's different every time. He's brought a couple of girls home. I've met a couple of them, and maybe we're friends now.
So you haven't brought anyone home yet? And I don't mean friends...
I don't. I'm not even as outgoing as my brother. I have less friends and stuff.
Your parents ever ask you that?
My parents don't really address it. They're more concerned about grades or my college now. I'm graduating next year, so I have to make a decision. But Grandpa asks a lot. It makes me uncomfortable. And of course my brother makes fun of me when it comes to these conversations.
Roman, what's really bothering you? Being alone or not being known to be gay? Or something else?
Actually, I think it's a combination. I've always been a bit of an outcast, I didn't talk to people around me much, even though I wanted to. I'm sorry I don't have a group around me like my brother. I'm kind of looking forward to graduating, because school's kind of cool, but it's not so great either...
Cool, but not great? What does that mean?
I don't know. I don't really like those people. I mean, we don't fight or anything, it's not really bullying. I just don't fit in. I'll talk to someone sometimes, but that's about it.
Is it because you feel different?
Yeah, exactly. And I always have. Ever since kindergarten. I didn't like playing with girls, but I didn't know how to fit in with guys. And I think I've just had that ever since.
Is it your personality, being closed off? Or do you think it's your orientation from the beginning?
Probably both. I know I'm an introvert. But at the same time, I've never been into the whole looking at girls, dealing with girls, that kind of thing. Now I know why. Or maybe I always knew, but I didn't want to think about it.
When did you start thinking about it?
About two or three years ago. I had a crush on this guy. We were kind of friends, but he's not gay, so I didn't tell him and I won't. (Laughs) He's actually a brother from one of the girls who dated my brother.
Who's the other person besides me that knows your secret?
Well, that's kind of weird. (Laughs) I'm commuting to school and I was talking to this girl once. She said she goes to school in Ostrava, too. She was cool. I don't know why, but I told her.
You didn't know her at all?
I didn't know her. I saw her getting off the train sometimes, and I still see her at the station now and then. We say hello when we're close enough, but that's it. I know it's weird.
So you're still not friends to this day?
No, I'm not. She was telling me about how she was having a hard time at home back then, too. I don't know, I just kind of wanted to tell her at the time. And it was totally fine.
Wasn't it hard for you? Actually, your first coming out was on a train with a stranger...
Surprisingly, no. I'm surprised, too.
And how did she react?
She told me to tell my parents, that it would be okay. She didn't think it was weird, and I have to say, it helped me a lot, and it made me feel better. I guess that's why it doesn't seem so weird to tell you anymore. I'm glad I told her.
Will you listen to her? Are you gonna tell her at home?
I don't know. Maybe someday. Not yet, anyway. Things are complicated at home...
