"A toxic relationship can destroy you. My self-esteem suffered a lot," recalls 30-year-old Honza of his last relationship.
Honza, how long have you been alone - without a partner?
It's good of you to elaborate. I've been without a partner for almost two years now. But I've been alone a lot longer.
Why is that?
With my last boyfriend, I had a period where I gradually became estranged from my friends, hobbies and everything that was close to me or fulfilled me. Some people have that - that they find a partner and live for themselves. I thought that's what was happening to us. That we create our own world. At least that's how we mostly closed it off when we started to figure it out. Mynow ex-boyfriendalways told me he liked being alone with me and I took it as a compliment at the time.
Do you feel differently now?
I don't know if he was really manipulating me all along or if part of it was well-intentioned. I haven't figured that out yet. I'm pretty affected by what was, so now I have trouble remembering the good stuff.
So what exactly happened that was bad enough to affect your judgment of him?
In retrospect, things were bad. I tried really hard to make things work for us. I started going to the gym, for example, which seemed like a good idea. After all, exercise is good for the body and soul. But I didn't really enjoy it. I like to run or go squash, but working out as such was never my thing. But I did it because my partner said I should. And somehow it became more than just a gym. I started to figure out what I could and couldn't eat or wear for clothes based on what I decided he wouldn't like. I wanted to avoid conflict. I was often stressed about whether he would be upset that I hadn't done, say, the cleaning or that I would be tired and not want to have sex. I just started doing everything the way I felt would make him happy and we wouldn't fight. Not what I wanted.
Why was that? Have you tried, for example, talking to each other about how things should be different; that you personally prefer something different?
That's hard to explain. I'm a more sensitive person. I don't mean that I'm somehow downright unstable, but I've always had a problem with, for example, refusing to help someone. I was the good kid on the playground who would lend everyone a toy. I don't like to argue. I'm not good at them. I want people to be happy around me. And that there's no problem. But here, no matter how hard I tried, there was always a problem. Even if I tried to imply that I wanted it differently or was really already upset, sad or exhausted, I didn't meet with understanding, so I kept trying. That was the biggest mistake. Some people you just can't satisfy no matter how hard you try...
What exactly have you been accused of?
He made it very clear that he didn't like my body. That I wasn't sculpted enough, that I wasn't "man enough" for him. I also took some decisions, so he tended to judge me as the "dumber" of the two of us. He joked, saying that he had to make the big decisions and that I didn't have the head for it. But when you hear it over and over again, it makes you sorry. Sometimes he might even imitate the way I talk. He used to make fun of my hair because it curled, so I would flat iron it. I don't know, it's complicated. When I say it like that, it doesn't sound as bad as what I was going through...
It seems to me that the subject is still very painful for you two years after the breakup...
We broke up two years ago, but then we saw each other every once in a while, slept together, and so on... It's hard to get closure on these things sometimes. It still bothers me a lot. I really loved him.
Excuse me for asking, but is it possible that your experience and perception of yourself really depends a lot on what your ex-partner thinks?
If I understand the question correctly, I would say yes. I cared a lot about what he thought of me. That he liked me, was attracted to me, that I did something right... I wanted him to be proud of me. And for some reason, I still care about how I look to him - and I don't just mean looks.
Has your self-esteem suffered a lot from this relationship?
A toxic relationship can destroy you. My self-esteem has suffered a lot. I've never been a complete model. I know there are prettier guys out there - guys I shouldn't even be looking at. But I used to be kind of at peace with myself in general and happy with myself. I've never been overweight, on the contrary, I've struggled with not gaining weight. There are things that bothered me: Like my problematic skin. But I liked myself. And I can't quite say that now. I have a problem with how I look, what I do... I always feel the need to judge myself and I don't feel comfortable.
What do your friends say? Or better yet, do they know where you stand? You mentioned that you've become very alienated from your surroundings...
When my ex-boyfriend and I were together, we were mostly just together. Just the two of us. My friendships elsewhere have cooled quite a bit. It's a little better now that I get together for coffee now and then. But I feel like it's not quite the same. Plus, even I myself feel the need to talk about the same things over and over again, and I don't think anyone wants to hear that. (laughs)
Do you use laughter to mask the fact that this topic bothers you?
You caught me off guard. And you're probably right.
How long have you lived with this man?
We were together for three years. We lived together for two and a half years. It was my first relationship serious enough to live together.
Is that really behind you?
I think it is. I hope so. Or at least I want to.
