Relationshipologist Michal Nikodem: "All men are the same, whether they are homosexual or heterosexual. They all have the same need for sex, only with homosexuals both parties are more willing to have sex."
You call yourself a "relationshipologist", what exactly can I imagine by that?
It's kind of an abbreviation of the words relationship therapist, which are more commonly used in the Czech Republic. When I was creating my website, I hired a pro to help me come up with the concept, and we brainstormed what we could call my services. In the end, the name "relationshipologist" was coined. I even had the word registered with the patent office.
There are many different types of relationships, which one do you deal with?
My basic approach is that we have the most intimate relationship with ourselves, as we wake up with ourselves, we are with ourselves all day and we go to sleep with ourselves. The relationship we have with ourselves also informs our relationships externally, whether it's with our parents, our colleagues, our partners or anyone else. This is where my practice comes from. We can say that it doesn't really matter whether the relationship is between two or three people. We always start with the relationship we have with ourselves. In addition to relationships with people, I also deal with relationships with work, money and addictions, for example. These relationships also influence our relationships with other people.
I noticed on social media that you also specifically address gay people in your sessions?
Yes, it started out that I was doing special groups for men, which came about at the urging of a friend of mine who said that he needed to come out once in a while, but not in a way where someone was giving him advice, but just saying what was bothering him. We started meeting, and gradually more and more of us came together, and eventually it became a separate gay men's group. However, it doesn't really matter if you are straight or gay, the principle of meeting in a circle of people who want to tell what they have experienced, what they have a problem with, etc., is really the same.
What are the most common topics that come up within a gay men's group?
The most common topic is relationships. Either the people in question have a relationship and something is not working, or they don't have one and would like to. If we go a little deeper, very often the relationship with the mother and father is discussed. Sometimes some men address, for example, the fact that their father doesn't talk to them because they are gay, etc. But really most gay men deal with the fact that they have trouble finding someone permanently, and when they do find someone, they deal with various problems of promiscuity and infidelity, either with their partner or with themselves. However, if there is a deeper issue, men have to feel very comfortable and intimate to talk about it in front of others, and if they don't want to, they prefer to come in for individual sessions.
And what is the solution, for example, to the aforementioned promiscuity and infidelity?
The solution is not always clear-cut. It is very individual. Take the fact that some people may be comfortable with promiscuity, and then it's just not a problem. But when the person starts to realise that it doesn't fulfil them and they want to make a change, then they need to take the plunge, but even then the process itself is always individual. Sometimes the client needs to come with their partner at a certain stage, and then the topic will be discussed together and each partner will present their point of view. As far as promiscuity in gay men is concerned, it is usually because they are mentally busy in their jobs, often in high positions and need some form of release, which can be sex.
I wonder how you feel about the arguments made by some politicians, for example during debates on marriage for all, where some of them claim that all gay men are promiscuous and that there are no stable and long-term relationships, so marriage and child-rearing are pointless for them...
In my opinion, it's the same everywhere. The problem is that the only thing that is seen about gay relationships is the promiscuity, or other things that irritate mainstream society. When they talk about the Prague Pride festival, for example, the first thing they show is a presentation of a fetish. Whether the media or anyone else, they most often present the most extreme. People then have the LGBT+ community associated with it and find it hard to separate. For example, there are regularly tens of thousands of people in the rainbow parade, including young people, old people, gay people, straight people, and just perfectly normal people who live in shared households, form families, and maybe even children, but they don't get talked about at all because it wouldn't be such a sensation.
Don't you think it's also the fault of those happy same-sex couples? That they just don't show up much?
I wouldn't say it's a mistake. It's more the narrow-mindedness of other people, and especially some politicians, who can't imagine that there are couples who live normal lives, and maybe even a majority of them, and at the same time can't admit that heterosexual men would behave exactly the same if they had the same conditions as homosexuals. By that I mean openness to sex. Men are simply more benevolent in relation to sex and straight men are no exception, they have the exact same compulsions for compulsive behaviour. However, with gay men, it's dealt with more critically and thus more in plain sight. I would conclude by saying that in short, nowhere is all saintly.
What do you mean heterosexual men would behave the same way if they had the conditions to do so?
The differences between men and women are significant, and there's even a great psychotherapy book on the subject. It's genetic. A man somehow has a need for sex even several times a day, but a woman experiences sex in a completely different way. Suppose a man can have sex in the morning, afternoon and evening, while a woman doesn't have it that way. Then what happens is that gay men talk about sex much more and probably have it more often than heterosexual men, who are not allowed to have sex as often by women. I certainly don't speak for everyone, but this is how the results of various studies and publications come out.
From your own perspective, what do you say about online dating sites? A lot of people in my area complain about them...
I'm a big supporter of all dating apps, heterosexual or homosexual, for the reason that they give us more opportunities to meet someone, experiment and get to know what suits us. Whether it's anonymous sex and the endless amount of it, or dating for friendship or relationship purposes, those possibilities are there. Yes, one day it may come to the point where someone becomes addicted to dating sites, but I subscribe to the theory that it's better to be addicted to a dating site than to alcohol. It actually does the same thing to the brain because the addiction is the same, it's just that the alcohol or drug is also destroying our bodies.
Suppose someone perceives that they have a problem with dating and excessive casual sex, and they come to you and say that it bothers them. How does "rehab" work?
Very hard and it's a multi-year process. But that doesn't mean you'll be in therapy for years. During those years you find out what it is about it that appeals to you, what compensates for it and what you actually miss. Then you can work with it and find ways to work with it. Often ways are found to make life more interesting and attractive outside of Grindr and uncommitted anonymous sex. But again I come back to the fact that one often finds that Grindr is actually not bad at all, it's just how it's used and how the person in question sets it up. It's just like alcohol, which is not bad in itself and was invented as a kind of spirit of a given plant or fruit to be consumed on various occasions, but when you overuse it, the fault is not with the alcohol but with how you "use" it. Dating sites work the same way. If you want to find someone for a relationship, you can put in the description that you are looking for a relationship, and if it's only sex, you can write that you are only looking for sex. It's just a matter of what you want to make known and in what light you want to show yourself. However, it is true that some gay men are ashamed of this.
Michal Nikodem alias VztahologPhoto: Foto: se souhlasem Michala Nikodema
What are they ashamed of?
That they're looking for a relationship. Writing on a gay dating site that you want someone for a relationship is taken a bit strangely because there are certain clichés that Grindr is only for sex, but I, for example, found my previous partner on Grindr, we were together for four years and it was a beautiful relationship.
Suppose a person is already in a relationship and there's a snag that bothers them about their partner. How best to deal with this so that there is no "running away" from the relationship or infidelity?
It is important to realize if I am communicating what I want, if I am happy in the relationship, and what I may be missing and would like to add. Then it is necessary to talk openly with your partner about all of this. However, I can reassure all readers: even in a functional relationship, there will still be problems, and a truly functional relationship is determined by whether we can communicate or resolve those problems. Sometimes you just have to voice them and leave them, and they usually resolve or stabilize themselves. I often see clients, whether they are heterosexual or homosexual, saying that their partners make them feel bad and that it is their fault. However, in therapy I try to go back a little and ask what is causing their distress, what it looks like and when it first happened. People then often realise that they have been dealing with the problem long before they ever met their partners. It is then possible to work with it very nicely because it leads to awareness, communication occurs and the problem suddenly disappears.
So, from my point of view, there are two basic things to follow, which are to communicate about things, ideally all of them, especially the things that we are afraid of, to be more aware of the often negative energy that we feel towards our partner, and possibly to go to therapy or group meditation and try to look at the problem with perspective.
Are there any signs that definitively say that the partner connection is really at a standstill, the partner doesn't want to communicate and it's not likely to go anywhere further?
It's very hard to tell when a relationship is over, but I'll come back to how you phrased the question. You mentioned that the partner doesn't want to communicate with their partner, but when I tell clients to communicate, they usually imagine that their partners have to tell them what they feel and what's going on right away at the first question. Then, when their loved one tells them to leave them alone, there's fire on the roof.
Here it is necessary to perceive that we, for example, want the other person to open up, but we ourselves do not open up, and therefore it is far better to say how you feel in the relationship, what annoys you and what makes you close up and lose your feelings for the other person. In short, it's good to present all your feelings and leave them on an imaginary "platter" in front of your partner, even though you would be forcing them to say what they think about it. Most of the time what happens is that he is taken aback by your openness and doesn't know what to say, but even if he doesn't say anything, somehow he will process it in his mind and either change it without feeling the need to communicate it, or after a while he will say he has thought about it and tell you what the other ways are. Of course, sometimes it will happen that he forgets a thing because, for example, he is not used to cleaning so much, etc., but you will already know that he really doesn't do it on purpose and that it doesn't mean he doesn't like you.
If I'm not mistaken, Czechs are still a bit more cautious about seeking professional help, and view all professions whose name starts with "psycho" with a bit of reserve. How do you try to show them that it's not actually a bad thing and that it doesn't mean they're mentally ill if they seek psychotherapeutic help, for example?
That's another reason I like the word "relationshipologist," by the way, because it doesn't have the word "psycho" or "therapy" in it. Yes, in the Czech Republic, people still approach it in such a way that they think there is something wrong with them, and they usually leave the problems until the very last moment, when they feel they don't know which way to go. There are various prejudices associated with this, especially in my parents' generation. My mother was always fond of telling me not to go anywhere because they'd write it on the papers and I'd have it there forever. I don't know what her experience is, and I'm sure it has something to do with communism, but I still have to say that psychotherapy is becoming more and more popular, and various self-development groups, whether they're based on hypnosis, constellations, psychotherapy, or whatever, are becoming more and more widely used. Many people have realised that they have started to feel good afterwards and that their quality of life has increased. Just as we take care of our body and go to the doctor, we should take care of our inner side.
