Tomas (24 years old) "Most of my friends introduce me as gay, but why should my orientation be the first thing others know about me?"
When did you first become aware that you were gay and attracted to men?
I feel like I've always been a little different. I was different from the "standard" guy because, for example, at camp I was very active, I was involved in everything, I was angry and I spent a lot of time on the dance floor. While the other guys were sitting on their asses, I was on the dance floor taking turns with the girls one by one. Back at camp, people said I was a big faggot. I always knew I was a little different and I never figured out how. It wasn't until I was 15 that I fell in love with my best friend. We hit it off terribly and I found out I liked boys because of him.
I didn't know what to do with it. I had been in love with him for two and a half years, but he still thought of me as his best friend, and it hurt me terribly because he didn't take into account that I was in love with him. I even told him that he was, but he completely ignored that fact, but still kept me around. At the time, it hurt me a lot that he didn't take a stand on it. So those 15 to 16 years were a really cool period where I was going through a bit of hell.
Do you feel like today's generation has it a little easier? I mean, the inner acceptance of yourself.
It's definitely easier in the sense that being gay isn't so taboo anymore, because gay people have been appearing in TV shows and movies. Although I do kind of regret that in older shows, people from the LGBT+ community are portrayed as marginalised, bullied and so on. I can see today that 10 years ago it was very different. There has been a big shift from the majority society since then and I think it's generally much more accepted. Today's generation of parents grew up in a completely different environment and under different conditions. I realize this because I come from a family where they are pretty conservative.
When was your first coming out?
I remember my coming out very vividly, I was one of a trio of friends where one of them was the one I was in love with and I opened up to the other one about it. I have to say that I never had a problem with people around me not being able to accept it because I was around good people and when I told that friend, I cried in front of him and he hugged me and cried too. This is despite the fact that he's the type of person who never cries in public in his life. He told me it was okay, which gave me the strength to open up in front of other people. 80% of people responded with, "You finally said it because we all knew it already."
So you haven't experienced any de facto problem?
I was quite popular, and now this is meant with all modesty, but I was kind of the star of our high school because I was very visible because I was involved in everything. Whether it was the photography club, drama club or sporting events, I was just everywhere. People have always liked me just the way I am. I was very expressive and it wasn't hard to guess me at first glance. (laughs)
Around the age of 16 or 17, I was still going through a phase that I don't even know how to describe, but I think a lot of small-town gays go through something similar. The thing is, once they come out saying they're gay, for a year or two they need to let the whole world know. That's how I had it too, and wherever I came out, it was in a "here I am, cherish me and everybody love me" kind of way. The older you get, the more you realize that you shouldn't treat your orientation as some kind of preference, but simply as a part of life. It's not something that other people need to know firsthand. In the end, it's almost embarrassing. But I think it's just a phase of coming to terms with oneself. The older one gets, the less one deals with how people perceive it.
It even kind of offends me now, even though I know those people don't mean it badly, but when I come out to a new company I've started to notice that I'm introduced as "that gay friend". It's started to bother me a lot, because from the start I've been given a label that makes other people take an attitude towards me. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I think it's unnecessary. I don't have a problem if someone asks me about it, but I don't want my orientation to be something that defines me and that I have to stuff into these people. Granted, this happens to just about every gay person who lives openly and has come out.
I'm sure you're right, but tell me about your family. How did they feel about it? Did you mention you come from a somewhat conservative background?
Yes, but it's changed now and I've "bullied" them quite a bit because I'm a man who doesn't coddle anything. I literally "bet" everything on my parents, but I didn't decide to mention my orientation until I was eighteen because my Polish boyfriend was coming to my house for the weekend. I thought to myself that I wouldn't lie to them that I had a Polish friend here. At the beginning my mother didn't want to hear about it, or even comment on it, but somehow it faded away.
I think my dad took it much better than my mom. I honestly feel like my mom still struggles a lot with it and still sees some hope that one day I'll come out with a woman and have grandchildren. She still feels hope that I'll change, and she's always projecting to me when I'm going to find someone and if it's going to be a woman and stuff like that. I feel sorry for her in the final analysis that I can't fulfill that, or I mean I can, but it won't be my children, etc. for example. However, I personally don't want kids yet because I'm still very broken and I don't think I'm quite ready for parenting yet.
Since I had some other problems in my family, my orientation was just a kind of icing on the cake. My parents and I used to fight a lot, I was thrown out of the house twice and lived with my grandmother for a year and a half. It certainly wasn't because I was gay, but rather because I don't like to beat around the bush and occasionally say things that maybe I should have kept to myself. I'm trying to work through that.
Because I left home and now live on the other side of the country, our relationship has improved a lot. Even my parents have started to realize that I'm not 10 years old anymore and that they can't tell me what I can and can't do. With them finally starting to focus a little on themselves and not having to take their anger out on me, we have more respect for each other. After all, I'm a lot older now and I'm an adult who can't be dictated to about what and how. I'm currently 24 years old, which kind of reminds me that for the gay community I'm an old rascal. (laughs)
Old rascal? What do you mean? Did someone say that to you personally?
I feel like I'm at an age where I'm too old for teenagers and too young for 30+. I'm not able to find anyone at my age because if I like someone and have some affection for them, they're usually taken. But it's true that I don't move around much in the community because I don't seek out people based on orientation. That's why I don't seek out gay clubs or queer pubs. I often feel more of a victim in those spaces.
I don't go to a club to hit on someone. But just to switch off and enjoy a night out with friends. But I feel like a lot of other people go there just to get high and sleep with someone. It makes me feel like a victim. Since I wiggle a lot on the dance floor and am quite expressive with my body, I feel like people are giving me the eye and it's not very pleasant. That's why I prefer to go to some backwater clubs where everyone knows me.
But I guess it's hard to find someone like that, don't you think?
I know I was a bit expressive before, considering my age, but I'm the type of person who doesn't really care and doesn't purposely seek anyone out. I've been single for a while now and have had two serious relationships, but both were very brief and only lasted about three months. I think because I'm a bit erratic, very spontaneous and energetic, I think I'm a bit too much for other people (laughs). I'm more the type of person who lives in the present moment and doesn't plan things very much. Because of that, it's pretty hard to find someone to be with.
But on the other hand, I have to say that if there was someone who would "tune in" with me, I would definitely have patience awakened in me and I would be interested in getting to know and understand that person for who they are. That's another thing I don't think works very well in our community. People don't have patience and they give up very quickly and then they'd rather find someone to get in bed with right away and have fun with. But I need to get to know the other person. I think a relationship should be a mutual challenge and sometimes it can take a little longer for the love between two people to show, so it's good to be patient.
And do you think that's something that's specific to the gay community?
I'm not really a gay relationship professional, but I think most will reach for something that's easier. It's just because they lack patience. And let's face it, they all have Grindr and iBoys where there is always new "merchandise" and many other options. Plus, most gay men are pretty gossipy. (Laughs) So everyone knows everyone and the community is really very connected, which ultimately pisses me off. However, I prefer to meet in person rather than through an app, which is currently impossible. It makes it even harder to find someone.
I recently wrote an article about how dating is done in the coronavirus era (more here) and I thought that a very interesting dating app might be ClubHouse. Since we met on this particular social network, what do you think? Do you think that this social network could be a new way of dating, considering that others only listen and the gallery of perfect and often half-naked photos doesn't exist there?
I think it definitely does. I haven't been on ClubHouse that long yet, but I've already fallen for a few guys. (laughs) It's definitely an interesting platform where people can meet each other based on how they talk and what they say, which I like much better than normal dating sites, which are often very superficial.
It's true that, in the end, looks don't matter at all, so I don't really care what a person looks like and if I like them in some way, that's ok. I'm terribly interested in the other person's charisma and I like it when the person knows what they're talking about. I also care quite a bit about how he interacts in his social group and if he acts like an idiot or if he's nice. I just need a happy medium, so let's see if one ever comes along.
I'll keep my fingers crossed! Bye!
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