Professional matchmaker Katarína Hawken Němcová: “I help people find serious, long-term relationships; for casual flings, there are online dating sites.”
How long have you been helping couples find each other?
On an informal basis, my whole life; under my own brand as a dating and self-development agency, for almost seven years. Before that, I worked in matchmaking and marketing in New York. After I got married, I expanded my services to include support for people in relationships.
How do you find your perfect match? Is there a basic set of ten rules?
I’m not a big fan of quick-fix solutions, and I always take the ‘magic ten-point rules’ that the internet offers on all sorts of topics with a pinch of salt. Nor do I believe that there is such a thing as a ‘perfect partner’. Perfection doesn’t exist. From my own experience, I can say that the key is to be a good partner to yourself, to be honest with yourself, to love yourself and to be open to constant transformation. Then your partner will come along. If I were to share any ‘ten commandments’, I’d rather share the ‘eleven steps to transformation’ for every person, regardless of their status. That could really come in handy in life.
The Eleven Steps to Transformation:
1. Shift your perception of yourself from your head and your thoughts to your body and your experiences. Forget Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am” and replace it with the affirmation “I experience, therefore I am.”
2. I create what I want to create and focus my consciousness on it.
3. I am learning to notice where in my body I hold energy in the form of tension; I then consciously release this tension and allow the flow of life and energy in those parts of the body where I had been holding it back. I accept all the feelings and emotions that are released when I allow the flow of life energy to pass through me.
4. I am learning to create more moments of choice in my life and to become a more conscious creator of my own life.
5. I allow myself to experience feelings, even when they are unpleasant. I do not want to live in a state of emotional armour, devoid of feelings and emotions.
6. I am responsible for my own energy and my own moods. I am learning to stop reacting based on past experiences and am beginning to respond to life in the present moment.
7. I do not forceanything and I allow life to flow smoothly through me. Instead of constantly doing things, I simply relax and just be.
8. I formulate a clear intention and then ask life to guide me towards it in the best possible way.
9. My heart is not a place for romantic fantasies, but a source of truth and of what is real. I am learning to give and receive from the depths of my heart.
10. I am learning to distinguish between thinking and awareness. Thinking takes me into a virtual reality; awareness shows me what is real between myself and the world.
11. Learning and growth never stop; life’s challenges never stop; they simply transform into further opportunities and adventures.
But if we could at least briefly reveal what, above all, determines success or failure in an already advanced search for a partner?
Half the battle is down to attitude and belief. The rest depends on the energy the client radiates and what they attract. Of course, the way I present the client to their potential partner also plays a role, as does who we currently have in our database – or rather, who my team and I find and select for the client.
So, if I were to decide to ‘hire’ someone like you, what would the process be?
First, you’ll need to complete an initial questionnaire. If, based on that, I decide it’s worth investing time and energy in you, we’ll meet in person. The two-hour initial consultation is only charged if, at the end of the collaboration, it turns out that it was merely a ‘one-off session’ and that no collaboration will actually take place. If we agree to work together, the initial meeting is free of charge for the client.
We’ll structure our collaboration in one of two ways: either you make the initial selection, or I’ll introduce you exclusively to profiles of people whom I’ve already informed of your existence and who have responded positively. If none of the matches you’ve chosen express an interest in a meeting, we’ll look into the reasons why. We’ll then keep searching until we’ve run out of patience. (laughs) Clients will certainly improve their chances by being patient, trusting me and allowing me to do the work I believe in.
What exactly does your job involve?
You probably don’t even want to know. (laughs) Sometimes really crazy things. From endlessly searching for suitable people online, through networking in places where intelligent, high-calibre people gather, to converting ex-partners into clients. (laughs) Thanks to this, I’m basically able to find anyone.
Of course, I’m interested in the reasons why you’re single. I’m interested in what lies behind the energy you give off – whether it attracts or, conversely, repels your potential partners. If someone plays the ice queen or king, shows no emotion and has an energy barrier around them, they’ll be waiting in vain for a prince or princess to break down that barrier. People like that are more likely to be drawn to open, cheerful and easy-going partners who are genuine and approachable in the here and now.
What do you think of the ‘new’ type of dating apps like Tinder, Grindr and the like?
Superficial solutions that create the illusion of connection. Most of the time, the aim is something other than finding a partner for a long-term relationship and a deep connection. When looking for a long-term relationship, it’s a waste of time and money. The result is usually disappointment…
These dating apps are a long way from sincerity and depth. Not to mention safety. Of course, you never know – I know people who’ve found a partner online. In this age of high-speed internet, it’s perfectly common. But…
After all, you say you can find anyone. What’s your success rate in matchmaking?
Up to 85 per cent of clients find a partner whilst working with me. Either through my agency or by other means.
Do you only match men and women, or also men with men and women with women?
In the early years of my agency, I was very keen to set up an LGBT division, but unfortunately I couldn’t find the right person within my team who would be able to successfully launch this division and do what I do, but within the LGBT community. I had a few wonderful and inspiring gay colleagues, but it never came to fruition, and the agency failed to access the necessary resources and secure a sufficiently large share of this interesting but very specific market.
Now I introduce men to men and women to women exclusively on a friendly basis. Of course, if a highly capable colleague were to come along in the future who had the ambition to launch an LGBT division within my agency, I’d be open to that. However, finding capable people to join the team in such a specialised field as matchmaking is a major challenge. Many people have a completely idealised view of my job and dream of doing something similar one day, but they usually have absolutely no idea how much hard work goes into it.
I imagine you must come across many interesting requests from clients. What are the most common myths held by people seeking a partner that you have to debunk?
The biggest myth is that we’ll find a partner by trying to please them in every way. However, this so-called ‘pleasing’ approach doesn’t work. What we’re all ultimately looking for is someone who will truly know and love us for who we are. No pretence will lead us to a genuine outcome. The only way to find a partner for a long-term relationship is to remain true to yourself, to allow your partner to love you for who you truly are, and at the same time to love your partner for who they truly are.
Can you at least tell us what the strangest thing you’ve come across during your practice has been?
Sometimes I tell myself that nothing can surprise me anymore, but every now and then I do come across a surprise. I was very pleasantly surprised when former clients invited me to their wedding – although I hadn’t found them a partner, they had very fond memories of our work together – or when a client paid all the costs associated with a trip to an exotic location where I was tasked with finding him a partner.
Another curious incident was when, quite independently of one another, a man and a woman who’d just split up contacted me. It was very interesting to be in the role of an impartial observer who knew two different perspectives on the same relationship. Each of them was right – each, of course, in their own way.
However, I consider the most curious story of all to be the one where a client showed me a photograph of a man with whom she’d become pregnant a few months earlier during a one-night stand, and who now wanted her back, saying that she was the only one for him and that he wanted to start a family with her. A few days later, another client showed me the exact same photo of that very same man, saying that she’d been seeing him for about a year, but that he was looking for nothing more than a bit of fun. Without ever having met the man in question, I helped them set things in motion regarding him. Can you imagine his horror when those two young ladies invited him out for a coffee together? (laughter) Anyway, these were just a couple of curious incidents. It’s only the feeling that I’ve really helped someone to live a more conscious, joyful and fulfilling life that gives my life meaning.
We’ve shared a few curious experiences, but can you mention any situations or stories that you remember most fondly?
It gives me great pleasure when clients are able to compromise without giving up on their dreams. It’s important to be patient, not to lose faith in yourself or in us, to listen to our advice and to work with the feedback we provide. As an example, I’d mention an energetic and successful businessman from Bratislava who, despite being 58 years old, was in very good shape and was looking for a like-minded partner.
The moment he registered, I had a wonderful 39-year-old woman in my database who I felt was a perfect match for him at first glance. He fell in love with her straight away, but she turned him down because of his age. After just under a year with me, they both went through an interesting process of discovering themselves and finding a partner. Then, after ten months, the man in question asked me again to try and get in touch with her. I said to her: “You’ve got nothing to lose by going on a short date.” She replied, “All right, Katarína, I’ll do it for you.” Their first date was wonderful. It ended in marriage and a beautiful life together.
The cheerful Katarína works as a modern matchmakerPhoto: Archiv Katarína Němcová
What sort of people are most often interested in your services?
I have a very wide range of people in my database, both Czechs and foreigners. From free-spirited artists and tantrics to rationally minded company directors. Whoever you are, you’ll only go through the intake process if you’re looking for a serious relationship.
Statistics show that more women get in touch. They aren’t shy about asking for help. In our culture, men are still influenced by a macho mindset that says a man should be the strong one who doesn’t cry and has to manage everything on his own. They don’t have to. Vulnerability and fragility can be incredibly sexy, provided one embraces them consciously and doesn’t slip into the role of a victim. An authentic and spontaneous man who shows his emotions attracts women far more than a cold ‘poker face’ robot.
Around 40 per cent of our clients have registered with our agency themselves, whilst 60 per cent of our clients have been proactively sought out and approached by myself, my assistants and my brand ambassadors. Age is not an issue for us. If a person is self-aware, inspiring, interesting and, quite simply, ‘marriageable’, I’m happy to accept them regardless of age. My youngest male client at the moment is 25, and my oldest is 73. My youngest female client is 23 and my oldest is 50.
How much does this service cost?
The price depends on your income and your personal situation and circumstances; for example, single parents get a 50 per cent discount with me. Matchmaking and relationship counselling are my livelihood, but I also provide social services. I don’t want my services to be exclusively for wealthy people. Our active private partner-search programmes are tailor-made and start at 1,000 euros. More intensive programmes are, of course, more expensive. The final price is determined by a number of factors, primarily the intensity of our collaboration and the number of dates arranged within a specified time frame. Women aged between 22 and 28 who are interested in being included in our agency’s passive database – meaning they only wish to be contacted if a man searching for someone like them joins the database – do not pay for the service.
What happens if you are unable to find a match for your client?
If I fail to fulfil what I guarantee in the order, I will refund the unused portion of the credit to the client at the end of the collaboration period, to the account from which they paid for the service.
From what you’ve said, I understand that you primarily match people for long-term relationships?
If someone is looking for a one-off fling, they’ve come to the wrong place. I focus exclusively on facilitating long-term relationships, often with the aim of starting a family. Together with my husband, we run courses in which we help our clients deepen their relationship and intimate life, because finding a partner is just the beginning.
