Marek (22): 'I still don't know who I am. That's why I ran to drugs and alcohol. But my current relationship saves me."
Mark, what was your biggest worry as a little boy?
Not knowing who I was born to. My parents adopted me. The moment I was born, I was moved to an infant home, where my adoptive parents took me when I was a year and a half old.
So to this day, you don't know who your birth parents are?
All I know is that my birth mother was 17 when she gave birth to me and therefore not ready for motherhood. I've never met her and I don't even know her name. I don't know anything about my real father. To this day, I don't know if I'm a gypsy or not. I guess I still don't want to admit to myself that I should be.
Why is that?
Because I don't want to be a gypsy. I don't want to be associated with this community. I don't like the way it often manifests itself.
It's not possible to "lump all gypsies together..."
No, I'm not saying that. Rather, it's how people treat gypsies in our country, how they are able to condemn them based on the colour of their skin alone that bothers me. I really don't want to be judged just by the way I look. And unfortunately, I still encounter that. Judging me just by the color of my skin.
Have you been bullied because of the color of your skin?
A lot. Especially in elementary school. That was hell for me. But kids didn't bully me just because I was black. It's also because I'm adopted and because I'm gay. So it was a bullying trifecta that made my life very difficult.
You mentioned that you still don't know who your biological parents are. Did you ever try to find out?
Yeah, yeah. The first time was during puberty, when I was about 14 or 15. I didn't know who I was, so I needed to know that piece to the overall puzzle. Once I found out how things played out back then, I was happy and didn't look any further. My birth name is Matyáš Kovařík, but I am Marek Hemiš. A name given to me by my real parents. The ones who raised me. I like the name Matyas, but I'm just Marek Hemis.
How old were you when your adoptive parents took you in from the orphanage?
I was a year and a half. My mother said I appealed to her with my beautiful eyes and the scruff on my head. (laughs) However, even with these parents, my life was not completely idyllic. My dad was an alcoholic and I remember that he used to beat my mom sometimes. When I was 11 years old, Mom died of cancer. She was in the hospital for a year, and it didn't occur to me at the time that the person closest and most beloved to me was leaving the world.
How did that experience affect you?
Although it hasn't been easy for me at all, I try to take only the good from this experience. When my mom was alive, I often heard from her that we couldn't buy unnecessary things because my dad didn't want us to. This included a cake for my birthday or a holiday cake. Mom would definitely want to go somewhere, but Dad forbade her because he just wasn't in the mood. So now as an adult, I see that we were able to indulge in all of that because when else is a person supposed to enjoy themselves but here and now? That's why I'm currently living to enjoy each day to the fullest. I mean, even if I don't have money right now, I indulge in what I feel like, because I never know when my journey in this world will end. I try to live in the moment. Here and now. That's the moment I have. I don't have what was, and I don't have what will be. All I have is now and here.
What was your relationship with your dad?
Very lukewarm. My dad basically didn't talk to me at all. When he found out I was gay, he stopped talking to me altogether. By that time, I had already found a boyfriend, so I started living with him. I owned part of the apartment I was living in with my dad, but when my dad sold the apartment, he wouldn't cash it in. And that's when I let my boyfriend talk me into suing my dad.
Aren't you sorry now?
Not really, because I dropped the suit. In the end, I got ten thousand crowns from my dad instead of about half a million. But I didn't care at the time because I was dealing with a boyfriend who was physically assaulting me. That's why I decided to move away from him and start living with a friend overnight.
So, is it fair to say you don't have a family now?
Yes, that's right. I don't have a family. The only family I have are my friends and the partner I live with. It's my chosen family.
Does this family give you a more secure view of yourself?
I'm sure it does. They're the reason I know who I am now. I come from a small village, but I've always gravitated towards the big city. I knew that only an anonymous environment could give me the right background to find myself. To find my own identity. So, if I had to answer the question of who I am, I would say I am a person who came here with nothing, made a lot of mistakes and missteps during that time, and is trying to do everything to learn from them and not make them again.
Do you like yourself? Possibly for what?
I definitely like myself for my enthusiasm and creativity. Also for my spark, which often manifests itself as an extremely strong passion for the cause. I'm generally a very positive person.
Is there anything you don't like yourself for?
Yeah. I hate being dark. I really hate the color of my skin. If I could, I would definitely change my skin color.
I mean, we live in a pretty tolerant society...
Yeah, but there are still a lot of people who just look at me and don't want to talk to me anymore. And that bothers me. The color of my skin doesn't define me.
That's just it. That's why these people could be... you know where...
And there they are. I still have a problem with it, though, and I'd rather be light if I could. But the bottom line for me is still my heart, which I know is good. I can always count on it. But then the brain kicks in and everything goes to hell.
What do you mean?
There are situations where my heart says "don't do it" but my brain screams "go ahead and do it!" The main one was the debts I racked up because of my trust in my ex-partner's business. I had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time, yet I had his company sign over to me. Without having any control over what was going on in it. Then one day I found out that the company wasn't working, it was in debt and I was the responsible party.
How did you handle it?
The worst possible way. I started running away from it all, of course. Running away from the reality that was weighing me down. It was all about the parties, which, along with the drugs, were an escape from a world that was eating me up inside. Which I couldn't deal with except by escaping into a world of dreams and illusions. That's when fear took complete control of me. Fear of forever remaining the wreck that I was, of not finding a partner and ending up in a way I didn't want. It's only thanks to my current partner that I've started to approach the whole thing rationally and it's finally starting to look better.
What other changes have you made in your life to make you feel better?
Mainly, I realized that this journey is the goal for me. The path I'm on right now. In this present moment where I have all the power I need to make the necessary changes. I also began to like myself more. And that's helped me a lot. I should also mention my current relationship - Honzik is a great support to me, and just the feeling of having a stable base that we are building together gives me enough strength to face my problems in life.
You have a very strong story behind you. But which looks very different on Instagram...
I know. And I hope we all know it's one big illusion. I used to use Instagram just to mirror a better world. A world I wanted to live in, but didn't. A world that I ran to every time I shared a smiling photo to it. Instagram was another way for me to escape an inconvenient reality.
How do you approach this social network today?
I'm trying to be more about balanced content. To make sure my profile reflects not only the pretty things, but also the other moments that no one really wants to share. Because it's reality.
Do you think you can inspire other people with that?
I'm sure I can. If we know more about ourselves as people, and not just the superficial stuff, we'll be happier. During the most difficult phase of my life, I often felt like life was piling more and more on me, like maybe it was doing it on purpose. Today I see that I was certainly not the only one who felt that way. We all have hard times, we just don't talk about them much. Maybe people are afraid that if they confide, the people around them will look at them differently, worse. But honesty is the most important thing in life, and even our own vulnerability can make people like us more.
When you look back on your journey through life, would you change anything?
I don't think so. In hindsight, I realize more and more that it was a life test that I had to go through to become who I am today. I guess it was necessary.
