“All you care about is sex.” “You don’t want me anymore.” Differences in libido can turn a couple in love into adversaries. How can they get out of this situation?
One snuggles up. The other freezes.
“Not today.”
“Again?”
And that sets the stage for a much bigger problem than just one evening without sex. If a similar situation repeats itself over several months, both partners may start living in completely different worlds. The one who fancies it more often hears something like this with every refusal: You don’t want me anymore. ‘You’re not attracted to me. There’s something wrong with me.’ Meanwhile , the other partner might hear: ‘You want something from me again. I can’t even hug you without it turning into sex.’
In the specialist literature, the term ‘sexual desire discrepancy’ is used to describe this situation. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, it simply refers to a state where one person in a couple experiences a greater sexual desire than their partner. And it is certainly nothing out of the ordinary.
Differences in sexual desire occur even in happy, long-term relationships. So, in itself, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed to fail. What matters is what the couple does about it.
The person who wants sex less isn’t ‘broken’. And the other isn’t a sex maniac
This is precisely where one of the biggest problems arises.
‘You don’t seem to need sex at all.’
“And all you care about is one thing.”
Differences in desire very quickly turn into judgements about character. The partner with a higher sex drive may get the impression that the other is cold or no longer finds them attractive. The partner with a lower sex drive, in turn, may feel that their partner thinks only of sex and has no respect for their boundaries.
In reality, however, neither of them may be ‘broken’. Sexual desire isn’t a fixed quantity that we’re born with and keep at the same level for the next fifty years. It changes with stress, tiredness, health, mental state, certain medicines, the quality of the relationship, and whatever is happening in our lives at the moment.
And it varies from person to person. One person may genuinely want sex almost every day, whilst another may be perfectly happy with once or twice a month.
The figure itself does not determine which of them has the ‘correct’ libido. Research into women in same-sex relationships, for example, revealed something interesting – a difference in sexual desire did not, in itself, automatically imply sexual dissatisfaction. Significantly worse outcomes were reported primarily by women who perceived this difference as problematic. A study published in the *Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy* thus clearly demonstrates that two couples may have similarly differing libidos, yet their relationships may function in completely different ways.
The biggest killer of desire? The feeling that ‘I’ll have to do it again’
The more often one partner is rejected, the more often they may initiate sex. This is because they need reassurance that they are still desired. However, the more often they initiate sex, the greater the pressure the other partner may feel.
And this is precisely where the vicious circle begins. The partner with the lower sex drive gradually starts to anticipate where every touch will lead. In the evening, the other partner lies down next to them – and they immediately expect an attempt at sex. They receive a long kiss – and instead of enjoying it, they start thinking about how they’ll make an excuse in a moment.
Gradually, therefore, they may start to avoid not only sex, but even physical contact itself. Not because they don’t want to hug their partner, but because a hug is no longer just a hug. This is an extremely dangerous moment for the relationship. A person with a higher sex drive may perceive this subsequent withdrawal as further proof that their partner isn’t interested in them. They will therefore begin to seek intimacy even more intensely. One pursues. The other runs away. And both feel that the other is causing the problem.
‘I don’t feel like it’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘I don’t want sex’
There’s one more factor at play here that’s surprisingly rarely discussed. Not everyone experiences sexual desire in the same way. We often imagine that sex works quite simply – first I feel the urge, then I start doing something, and finally I get aroused.
But there’s also what’s known as responsive sexual desire. In this case, a person doesn’t necessarily feel a strong ‘I must have you’ urge beforehand. The desire may only arise whilst kissing, cuddling or during other forms of erotic stimulation. And it is precisely responsive desire that is an important concept, particularly in long-term relationships.
So, at eight o’clock in the evening, a person might say to themselves, ‘I don’t need sex at all right now’, start kissing their partner half an hour later, and find that the desire has eventually arisen. There is, however, one crucial condition. They must want to find out for themselves whether the desire will arise. Responsive desire is certainly not a scientific excuse for saying, ‘Let’s just get on with it and you’ll get over it.’
Sex out of a sense of duty isn’t a long-term solution
‘All right then, if that’s what you need.’ Perhaps the least erotic sentence in the world.
Yet this is precisely how many couples attempt to deal with differing libidos. The partner with a lower sex drive simply ‘gives in’ from time to time to keep the peace at home. It might work in the short term. There’s no conflict, and the other partner gets the sex they wanted.
In the long run, however, the cost can be high. If someone repeatedly experiences sex as a domestic chore, much like emptying the dishwasher, it’s hard to expect their desire to gradually increase.
There is a difference, however, between saying ‘I’m not in the mood right now, but I’d be happy to start cuddling with you and see where it goes’ and ‘I don’t want to do this at all, but I’ll do it so you don’t get upset’. The former can be a perfectly healthy part of sex between partners. The latter, however, creates pressure. And no relationship, marriage or number of weeks without sex automatically entitles you to the other person’s body.
A compromise does not mean: you want it thirty times, I want it once, so fifteen times
When one person craves sex every day and the other once a month, maths won’t save the relationship. The ideal compromise really isn’t opening a calendar and concluding that fourteen times a month is fair for both of you. A far more interesting question is: what is the person who wants sex more often actually missing? Is it an orgasm? Physical touch? The feeling that they’re still sexy to their partner? Or is sex their main way of experiencing intimacy with their partner?
An equally important question looks at it from the other side: Why don’t they want sex? Are they tired? Stressed? Have they stopped enjoying sex together? Is there something missing for them? Do they feel under constant pressure? Or do they simply have a lower sex drive than their partner?
According to experts, communication is one of the most important ways of managing differing libidos. Research published in the *Archives of Sexual Behaviour* examined the strategies used by people who were struggling with a mismatch in sexual desire within their relationship. The authors identified a range of different approaches – from communication, through masturbation and other shared activities, to completely withdrawing from the issue. Strategies that involved both partners were associated with higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction than purely individual solutions.
And more recent research from 2024, whose sample consisted largely of LGBTQ+ people, again showed that couples use, amongst other things, communication and alternative expressions of intimacy. At the same time, it depended on whether they considered the difference in desire itself to be a problem. The study was published in the *Journal of Marital and Family Therapy*.
Perhaps you’re not missing sex. Perhaps you’re missing intimacy
It’s also possible that a couple have been arguing about how often they have sex for a few months, even though they’re actually dealing with something completely different. ‘I want to sleep with you more often’ sometimes means: ‘I want to know that you still desire me’.
Or:
I miss you touching me.
Alternatively:
We’ve got work, a mortgage, a dog and a shopping list, but I no longer feel like we’re lovers.
If a couple gets to this level of the problem, suddenly there are far more options than simply ‘having more sex’. Sometimes it helps to bring back physical touch into the relationship, which doesn’t necessarily have to lead anywhere. Lying naked together. Massaging each other. Kissing for a long time. Flirting. Sending a sexy text during the day. Or setting aside an evening when mobile phones are left out of the room and the aim isn’t automatically penetration or an orgasm. Paradoxically, it’s precisely those moments when you know that a touch doesn’t have to lead to sex that can help relieve the pressure which, in the long run, kills desire.
And yes, sometimes it makes sense to plan sex
It sounds terribly unromantic.
Saturday, 8.30 pm. Sex.
But long-term relationships are no longer made up of an endless series of spontaneous weekends where both partners spend the whole day in bed. Work, household chores, children, stress, tiredness and a thousand other responsibilities come into play. So setting aside time for intimacy doesn’t have to mean planning a compulsory sexual encounter. It can simply mean: on this evening, our relationship will be more important than Netflix and work emails.Just as we plan a date or a weekend away. And if, in the end, it amounts to nothing more than a glass of wine, a few kisses and falling asleep in each other’s arms, that doesn’t have to be a failure.
But what if there’s no compromise?
Here comes the part that’s harder to hear. Sometimes two people can get on brilliantly in almost every respect – and yet be very poorly compatible sexually. One considers sex several times a week to be an essential part of life as a couple. The other would be happy with an almost sexless relationship.
Neither of them is necessarily at fault. But neither is the one partner’s endless frustration nor the other’s constant pressure a solution.
Research has repeatedly shown a link between a problematic difference in sexual desire and poorer relationship outcomes. For example, a study of over a thousand married couples linked a greater discrepancy between desired and actual sexual frequency, amongst other things, to lower relationship satisfaction and stability, and to a higher number of conflicts.
However, this does not mean that every couple with differing libidos should start packing their bags. Rather, it means that sexual compatibility is a legitimate part of a relationship. Just like the question of children, finances or where you want to live.
Some couples will find their own balance. Some will opt for a more open relationship model by mutual agreement. For some, a sex therapist or couples’ therapy will help. And some will eventually realise that a solution acceptable to both simply does not exist.
