Sexual incompatibility: a reason to break up a relationship, or a myth and an excuse for those who refuse to compromise?
Sexual compatibility
In clarifying what sexual incompatibility is (or is not), we can try to derive an answer from sexual compatibility. But even its explanation is quite complex and hard to grasp. Yet countless people use sexual (incompatibility) as a key factor in judging what a relationship is (or should be).
On the other hand, a clinical psychologist specializing in sex therapy, Dr. Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, a clinical psychologist specializing in sexual psychology, argues that a number of factors play a role in sexual compatibility - how people view and define sex, their preferred environment for sex, what turns them on, their relationship orientation ... "The more similarities in their responses to related questions, the more sexually compatible they are," says Dr. Jones. Yet even in the area of sex, the classic "100 people - 100 tastes" applies, and so the meaning of sex can be more or less different for everyone.
(Nonsensical) sexual incompatibility
While the very word incompatibility suggests that there could be a virtually intractable problem on the table, it is certainly appropriate to clarify what "sexual incompatibility" actually means. Because we certainly can't be content to assume that this is a one-size-fits-all explanation for why partners don't get along in bed. "Most of what we refer to as incompatibility is actually two people who have some of their own scripts in their heads about how sex should work - and those scripts are different. In the vast majority of cases, it's these ideas that are incompatible, not the actual people who are trying to have an intimate relationship," explains sex educator Emily Nagoski. And she's certainly not alone in questioning sexual incompatibility in a sense. "Being incompatible means that something is unable to exist alongside something else. Saying about myself that I am sexually incompatible with my partner has huge consequences for the relationship and sex," adds sex-positive therapist Daine Gleim.
Fighting "incompatibility"
Regardless of compatibility or incompatibility, sexual health experts clearly agree that there is essentially no wrong definition of sex - but in order to arrive at that "compatibility," people should openly share their ideas. This is the only way they can meet each other, discuss their ideas and, if necessary, revise or adapt them to their counterparts. The search for compatibility is therefore the basis for making a relationship work on a sexual level. On the other hand, if the partners lay their cards on the table and find that their ideas are indeed diametrically opposed, this may indeed be the beginning of the end. One example for all: while one of the couple desires monogamy, the other would like an open relationship. In such a case, compromises may be found, but it is quite possible that they will not suit both of them in the end anyway. And so they become "sexually incompatible".
Still, true sexual incompatibility, for which there really is no solution, is quite rare. In all other cases, it's up to the people who make up the couple how they deal with the situation. "Much more common than true sexual incompatibility are simple sexual differences or mismatched desires. At least ninety percent of the time - with a little creativity, some real practice and a little reflection - there is always some way a couple can maintain their relationship," affirms certified sex therapist Hanna Basel. According to her, in most cases, sexual incompatibility is really just a problem with a lack of communication or knowledge. "Not knowing how to work with these differences causes feelings of hopelessness and incompatibility," she also sums up, adding that regardless of the specific problem, unaddressed sexual incompatibility can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment and disconnection between partners. And ultimately to infidelity and break-up.
The solution?
In an arc, we can return to the open communication mentioned several times already. In order to have a better sex life, active listening to your partner is simply essential - and what is "active listening"? You should listen to your partner attentively, openly and not judge him/her for his/her ideas and expectations. Empathy and a willingness to compromise are also essential for a successful resolution of the "problem". According to Brooke Keels, who provides therapeutic services, the whole process is like "tuning a musical instrument" - sometimes just a few minor adjustments are enough to achieve harmony. "For example, if one of the couple enjoys an activity that the other doesn't show much interest in, they can attempt it quietly, slowly and carefully together. Or they can discuss and compromise on what they enjoy," he concludes. And it is about compromise, and obviously sexual compromise, that all relationships are ultimately about...
