"I didn't like my body. It wasn't until I fell in love that I lost sixty kilos," says Nightingale award-winning rapper Raego
Raego, what is your relationship with your body?
Good now. But I didn't like my body for a long time. I felt I didn't fit the ideal I had created in my head. Now I love my body - probably also because I take more care of it and because it tells a story: it shows all the battles I've been through.
What was the ideal you created in your head?
For example, when I was 20 years old, I imagined that I would be sinewy and that I would have a six-pack. And I actually ended up having one for a while, but once I achieved that, I realized I could get a girl without it, which was always my goal. When I was sixteen, I was a hundred and thirty pounds. It wasn't until later, when I changed, that I realized it wasn't so much about how I looked, but how I felt and the conviction I walked into a room with.
Could you feel good even if you still had those hundred and thirty pounds?
With the experience I've been through, I already do. They say that with a guy, it's more about charisma, how he comes across, maybe his social standing, and maybe what he can do, than what he looks like. That's what I've found out. Plus, I think if a guy tries to look too good, it's unnatural. He should be himself and accept himself. Life is too short to stress about an ideal that may not even be attainable.
Have you spent a lot of time under that kind of stress?
An awful lot. At one time I got so stressed about my body that I couldn't sleep with my then-partner. That was devastating. I thought I didn't fit her image, but it turned out I didn't. I'm the perfectionist. I like to be strong, I like to be in shape, I like to look good. But I don't starve or torture myself like I used to.
Starve?
Yes, I am. I've even tried fasting. But then I realised it doesn't suit me, I'm always thinking about food... I love food! (laughs) On the other hand, I'm not a big sleeper. I don't enjoy it. I wake up at five in the morning, then I go to work out... I don't want to waste time, I like to do something.
Has your approach to life changed with your body?
I'm sure it has. I used to think my dream was to have any interaction with a woman at all. I used to get laughed at a lot by my classmates. I was bullied. Other reasons for attention I couldn't understand and distinguish. At first, I couldn't accept admiration. When I started to receive messages on social media that someone had fallen in love with me platonically (this happened for the first time when I was twenty-three or twenty-four years old), it was shocking and I appreciated it very much. I used to be a fun guy with a sense of humor, yes, but I didn't have erotic or partnered attention. When that started to change, I went through a second puberty. It was great.
Was this inability to accept admiration a matter of a lack of self-confidence, or more likely a lack of confidence in those around me?
When you experience bullying, you just don't consider the world a nice place. Ultimately, it was the kids who cured me of these feelings: when I became a teacher and saw my students drawing me as a superhero, welcoming me, liking me, I realized that they didn't see me as the weird kid I used to be or felt I was. That's where the repair of my psyche began. With kids, you don't wonder if they like you because they feel like they can get something out of it. It's incredibly pure of them.
How do you feel about points of positivity?
For me, it has multiple levels that need to be differentiated. Someone is just never going to have the body they want because they've had an injury, an illness, whatever... and it's not their fault. But then there are the girls who end up at a fast food joint after a boozy night out and then talk about how important it is to love yourself. These are the people who are responsible for the way they look. And in those cases, I see body positivity as more of a marketing thing. However, I'm rooting for both groups. Social pressure to look a certain way is a big trap.
You've lost 60 pounds. That's incredible. How did you manage that?
Hardly. I fell in love with a girl in America once, and I really hoped we'd be together. I wanted to change because of that. A side effect was that I started singing. With big steps, it's important to know why you're doing it. If you're not motivated, it's not gonna work. And I finally had it. When I tried to lose weight before, I had no idea what I was doing, and of course it didn't work.
The bullying you experienced was because of your weight?
Yeah. But also because of my background. Back then, society wasn't so ready for people of color. I was in a class with guys who listened to Orlik. I wished I'd been born different. I thought it was my fault. I struggled with not knowing where I belonged because I was mixed.
It wasn't until I was in America that I understood that people are just different and it's okay. In Los Angeles, I had probably the hardest school of my life - sometimes I would just drink water and sugar because I didn't even have enough to eat. I was ashamed to ask for anything, I was so tired of sleeping in shared housing. Nobody asked me how I felt. No one cared if anyone had ever hurt me. We were fighting to survive, to pay the bills. But it gave me a lot, it strengthened my character and I learned to appreciate things. I experienced the difference between having nothing and sleeping in a beautiful penthouse with a rooftop pool.
So is the Czech Republic any harsher than - as they say - "superficial LA"?
I don't think so. It's just that people here sometimes forget how good they have it. In America, I was afraid of getting a toothache. I didn't have insurance. My visa expired. I was basically there illegally, I had no facilities, no car, nothing. When I go somewhere here today, I realize how incredible the possibilities are. It fills me with humility.
Now you have a motto: "Believe, go and you can do it!"
Not all people can. You have to take that essential step that a lot of people don't take. Without that, it won't work. The most important step is humility. Not trying to show everybody what I've done and what I have - to rub it in their faces. A friend of mine says, "Anyone who owns a bakery should still act like they work there."
Now you've succeeded at the Nightingales. Would you say that's your greatest achievement?
I really wanted it. For me, it's a stamp of approval that people have put their trust in me. I think my biggest achievement is that I have the freedom to work. I like the feeling of financial independence, and awards can't give you that. I'm glad I'm healthy and that I'm in my right mind. The Nightingale is the icing on the cake for me - a commitment to work even harder next year. I am hugely grateful to those who have contributed to what I have created and I certainly don't want to slack off.
