BDSM isn't just a whip and leather underwear. Why do so many people get turned on by dominance, submission or foot fetish?
When the topic of BDSM comes up in society, many people still picture a dark basement, leather harnesses and someone dramatically clutching a whip in their hand. But the reality is much more civil. Sometimes it takes the form of a blindfold. Sometimes it's a deal that one person decides for a while and the other doesn't have to decide at all. Sometimes it's not about pain, it's about trust. It's about letting go of control. Or finally having it.
BDSM stands for a wide range of practices and fantasies: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. But at its core, it's not about violence, as it's sometimes mistakenly called. The fundamental difference is consent. Consensual BDSM is based on consent, boundaries, safety and the ability to say enough at any time. That is why it is important to distinguish it from non-consensual behaviour or sexual violence. The Czech Parafilik Project states that some unusual sexual preferences can be quite commonly and safely experienced between consenting adults - and this is where consensual BDSM or many fetishistic interests fall.
Forbidden fruit tastes different. But it's not just taboo
One of the simplest explanations is that we are attracted to what is forbidden. But with BDSM, that's too short an answer. Taboo plays a role, of course. Many people are turned on by the very act of transcending the common script that says sex should look nice, gentle, natural and, most importantly, not "weird" in any way. BDSM disrupts this script. It injects power, ritual, rules, play, sometimes pain, sometimes humiliation, sometimes aesthetics into intimacy that resemble the theatre rather than the bedroom.
But behind the attraction of BDSM there is often no desire to hurt or be hurt. Much more often, it is psychological play with control. A person who makes decisions all day, manages a team, answers emails, and holds his life firmly in his hands may crave the opposite experience in sex - to do nothing for a while, to let go of responsibility and let the other lead. Conversely, someone who feels overlooked or powerless in everyday life may discover dominance in a safe erotic space.
It is the power exchange that is perhaps most interesting about BDSM. Not because it replicates real violence, but because it symbolically inverts it into play. In everyday life, power, pressure and inequality are often uncomfortable, unfair and unwanted. In BDSM, they can become something that is prearranged, controlled and, paradoxically, very intimate.
Fantasy doesn't mean we want to live it literally
Sexual fantasies are special territory. One can imagine things in one's head that one would never actually want to experience. This is especially true with fantasies related to submission, dominance, or loss of control. The mere existence of a fantasy, however, does not mean the desire to actually realize it. A Canadian study by Christian C. Joyal and Julie Carpentier, for example , points out that sexual fantasies should not automatically be confused with a genuine interest in behaviour, as many people imagine situations they would not want to experience in reality.
This is also relevant to the BDSM debate. Having fantasies of being tied up, dominated, or humiliated does not mean that one desires danger. It may be the erotic language the brain uses to process tension, desire, shame, curiosity, or the need for surrender. Fantasy is sometimes more of a movie than a plan.
And that's why research often shows a gap between what people find exciting in fantasy and what they actually do. A Belgian study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 46.8% of respondents had ever tried at least one BDSM-related activity, another 22% had fantasies about it, 26% said they were interested in BDSM, but only 7.6% identified themselves as BDSM practitioners.
The Czech Republic is not as "vanilla" as we might think
Czech data is interesting in this regard. An older representative Czech study by Kateřina Bártová and colleagues, published in the Journal of Sex Research, worked with a sample of over ten thousand people and examined various dimensions of unusual sexual interests - preferences, arousal, fantasies, pornography use and behaviour. The authors found that 31.3% of men and 13.6% of women reported at least one paraphilic preference. The most common patterns across the dimensions were voyeurism, frotteurism/ pimping, and fetishism.
Looking directly at fantasies, the numbers are even more telling. In the surveyed Czech sample, 32.4% of people reported at least occasional fantasies related to voyeurism, 23.7% to frotteurism/ pimping, and 20.8% to fetishism. Fantasies related to humiliation or submission were reported by 10.1% of respondents, and fantasies related to beatings or pain by 7%.
However, it is fair to add one crucial point: terms such as paraphilia, fetishism or BDSM are used differently in professional texts than in ordinary speech. In popular culture, "fetish" can mean almost anything that turns a person on a little more than usual. In sexology, the meaning is narrower and often includes intensity, repetition, degree of preference and possible difficulties. Therefore, one cannot simply say that everyone who has a fantasy "has a paraphilia" in the diagnostic sense.
The more recent Czech CZECHSEX survey then showed a different, more sensitive part of the picture: it focused, among other things, on paraphilic preferences which, if realised, could lead to non-consensual contact. At least one of the paraphilic preferences surveyed was mentioned by 8.8% of respondents, namely 11.3% of men and 6.4% of women. At the same time, the authors stress that the presence of a paraphilic preference does not in itself imply that a person engages in delinquent behaviour.
Which fetish is the most common? Feet and things around them
When we ask what fetish is most common, the answer depends on the method. In the Czech data, fetishism often appears as a broader category. But if we go more specifically after what people are attracted to, foreign data repeatedly point to feet and objects associated with them - shoes, stockings, socks, feet.
A well-known study published in the International Journal of Impotence Research examined Internet discussion groups focused on various fetishes. It was not a representative survey of the entire population, but a large set of online communities. Nevertheless, the result was striking: the most common preferences were for body parts and for body-related objects; the most common specific targets of preference were feet and foot-related objects.
Why feet? There is no one universal explanation. Feet are both intimate and common. Most of the time they are covered, but they are not explicitly sexual. They can be associated with touch, smell, grooming, dominance, submission and shoe aesthetics. And it is this particular combination of the everyday and the hidden that makes them the ideal object of erotic projection.
BDSM is not automatically trauma. Sometimes it's just play.
One of the most persistent stereotypes is the idea that people who enjoy BDSM are definitely "compensating for something." Trauma, a bad childhood, low self-esteem, hidden aggression. Research is much more cautious about this. A Canadian study by Joyal and Carpentier points out that BDSM-related interests cannot simply be explained by child abuse or psychopathology; the authors even write that labeling consensual interests like fetishism or BDSM automatically as anomalous is problematic.
In short, the high level of interest in the general population speaks against stigmatizing and pathologizing these preferences. This does not mean, of course, that every practice is safe or that BDSM cannot be abused. It only means that attraction to dominance, submission, bondage, or pain is not itself evidence of a disorder.
On the contrary, for some people, BDSM can be a space where boundaries are more openly discussed than in regular "vanilla" sex. Paradoxically, it's where intensity is worked with that communication can be more precise: what I can, what I can't, what's pleasurable, what's too much, how do you know when you want to stop. Ideally, it's not about chaos, it's about a script. And a good script has rules.
So why are we tempted?
Because sex isn't just about reproduction, performance or romance. It's also psychological. Fantasy. A role. The body. Power. Shame. Confidence. Playing with what we don't normally allow ourselves to say out loud.
BDSM can attract people who are looking for a more intense carnal experience. Those who are turned on by surrender. Those who want to lead. Those who enjoy ritual, aesthetics or strict rules. But also those who find in it a relief from the pressures of everyday life. Sometimes it's exciting not to be polite for a while. Sometimes it's exciting to finally be completely honest.
And maybe that's where the answer lies. BDSM and fetishes don't attract us just because they're "forbidden". They attract us because they open the door to parts of desire that don't fit into ordinary language. They show that sexuality is not a simple line from kiss to orgasm, but a wide territory where body, fantasy, power, vulnerability, and the need to be accepted even with what we consider strange in ourselves meet.
And when we look at it through research, perhaps the most surprising thing is not how many people have BDSM fantasies or fetishes. Rather, the most surprising thing is how long we've pretended that almost no one has them.
